When you need a moment of peace
Light a little candle and think of my cat
Everybody has a place - a place where they can relax, feel free to be themselves.
Everybody has a place where they belong.
Golfers have their golf courses, trolls their bridges.
Me?
My place is the basement.
It’s where I watch hockey, store my firewood and ride on my indoor trainer.
It’s also home to three of our four litter boxes.
Our cats?
They are both picky and spoiled.
One has a teeny tiny urethra.
This makes him very expensive.
The other?
Well…
She’s cheap.
She doesn’t get the kind of blockages that result in a 2k holiday at the emergency vets
But, she has her own shortcomings.
She shits puddin.
That’s right, dear reader,
I live with a diarrhetic cat.
What’s worse?
She’s not like my other cat.
Trevor covers his turds with the wood pellets in the box.
Trevor is a good boy
The kitten?
She does not.
Sure, she’s the queen of the kissey headed tum tum rub.
AND?
She is responsible for making our house smell like a zoo with a noro virus.
Her poops, dear reader, would make a sewer rat wretch.
This is why I have the cat shit candle.
The cat shit candle is an essential part of the basement.
Introducing the Cat Shit Candle™—now available in “Desperate Cinnamon” and “Regretful Spruce.”
Guaranteed to mask even the most catastrophic feline emissions.
Warning: may cause false hope and mild nostalgia for fresh air. Not sold in stores. Not recommended for use with open wounds or during Zoom calls. Some assembly required. Batteries not included.
When Jennifer goes to the John and leaves her brown batter exposed, it takes a while before it becomes dry enough to be scooped.
The first step when Jennifer leaves a patty behind is to cover it up.
I must say, that I resent the fact that she doesn’t cover her shit. It’s like having a kid who refuses to wipe their own arse.
Right?
Could you imagine?
If not?
Don’t.
Once Jennifer’s leavings are hidden, the smell tends to linger.
It makes the basement - MY SPACE - unliveable.
Even MySpace Tom would not be friends with a cat who could clear a protest with her turds.
I’d love to just get rid of it right away.
And?
If I scoop her poop when it’s wet like that, the scoop gets soiled, then I have to wash the scoop.
This complicates life.
I’m a fool, a simple man. I like things uncomplicated.
And?
There are times when I really don’t want to deal with rank shit.
There are times when I’m tired and I just want to turn on YouTube and watch that bald dude with the thick beard and great voice tell me about world events or weird stuff.
I don’t want to vacate because Jennifer decided to vacate her internals.
And I do not want to clean it up.
Right?
There are all times, dear reader, when we just don’t want to deal.
There are times when the stench of cat shit permeates all that you do.
Besides strangling the cat, the gag inducing stench of cat shit is going to be part of life.
But just because life goes sideways, it doesn’t mean that you need to react.
Instead?
Light your cat shit candle.
Take a break.
Sure, the smell is there under the scent of cinnamon and spruce, but if you have a good enough cat shit candle, you can be comfortably distracted from the unpleasantness in your future.
Right?
You need a break from the hassle. I need a break from the stench.
We all need a break sometime.
And if you need a break but your world is filed with the stench from a cat with a rushing mud-tunnel, say a prayer, put your feet up and light that cat shit candle.
The shit will never cease.
There will always be more to do.
Light a candle, distract yourself
And?
Stay stinky you fools!
