When delivering the suck

don’t land in a comic vacuum

Alo dear reader!

It seems that I’m on a bit of a roll with complaints going into corporate.

Apparently, people would rather drones deliver their goods rather than a troll with a great sense of humour.

Did I say great?

Let me rephrase that…

I motherfucking OUTSTANDING sense of humour.

Not that I’m all that funny but I’m standing outside, in the snow and cloud delivering your garbage and any humour at all is thereby outstanding!

You see, I was delivering a vacuum cleaner.

My line to the lady who was receiving it?

This delivery sucks.

Simple. Direct. Perfect.

But this lady didn’t seem to think so.

Excuse me?

I insisted.

This delivery sucks. If it didn’t I’m sure you’d take it back. In fact I’m likely here today because what used to suck no longer sucks and that, to be honest, really must suck.

Still, this lady didn’t smile.

Pardon me?

Ok. For some, I need to slow down a bit. I don’t think this was the case for her. Instead? It was time to tell her to go fuck herself without telling her to go fuck herself.

So I spoke to her like you speak to a child or how the un-selfaware speak to ESL people - more slowly and loudly with each syllable.

(You’ve been there with that dummy who does this to ESL people right?)

So I repeated myself even more loudly and slowly than before - I mean what is wrong with this chick is she that boring and stunned?

A joke darlin’ it’s a vacuum. It’s supposed to suck. This is funny. You’re allowed to smile.

That’s when she hit the roof.

Right?

I knew EXACTLY what I was doing there and she reacted EXACTLY as I expected.

She was so easy to read and fuck with. It was delightful.

Did you just tell me to smile? Do you know what it’s like to be a woman constantly being told to smile? And suck? That is filthy language. You are rude, what is your name?

Wow. Did I ever judge her incorrectly. Her Instagram smile and well injected face said I’m laid back and living my best life!. But her reaction screamed My arsehole is so tight it hurts to fart!

I earn barely more than minimum wage. I won’t get fired, so I decided to push for the touchdown:

Well maybe if people are always telling you to smile, maybe it’s a sign that you’re a miserable person

(Credit to me dear reader, I wanted to call her something else - a British and Ozzie word that I love dearly, but substituted person at the last second. She may have heard the cu- part but I ended it in time)

But I wasn’t finished.

But you choose to take offence, Me? I’m just delivering the suck. I hope this device pleases you more than a man like me could.

And then?

I turned on my heal and skipped jauntily back to the truck.

Is telling a woman to smile a dick move?

Oh yes, it sure is.

That was the whole point.

She saw me as a nuisance - noise in the day. I am in fact a human fucking being attempting to connect, but no, she’s a serious human being or somehow better than the delivery guy. There are really some people who let you know that you’re the servant. I have no patience for such fools.

And so?

I met her where she was at as an equal - she didn’t engage in the kind of playful banter that ‘good customers’ are capable of and I pushed the biggest button she had.

She got away lucky.

I wanted to rip off her head and shit down the hole, but telling her to smile was enough.

She returned to her house and likely got ready to suck, while I went on working for just above minimum wage, outstanding in the snow delivering all sorts of goodies, including questionable punchlines.

Love the ones who love you and leave the others sucking dust!