Harriette Learner wrote a brilliant book years ago that had a huge impact on my life. Though my junk and belief / feelings about myself are squarely biologically, physiologically, spiritually and psychologically male, The Dance of Anger - A woman’s guide to changing patterns of intimate relationships was a profoundly impactful book.

Learner writes a lot about disrupting patterns or dances. Dance of Intimacy. Dance of Fear. Dance of Connection. Dance of Anger. Dance of Decpetion. Dance of Needing to Pee Really Badly all have a similar structure and view of the patterns we create.

Her work brings awareness to ‘how’ we move thorough things, but not why. Her focus is on the steps we take almost automatically and how we can disrupt these patterns.

Here’s a bit of how I like to work with the ‘dance’ metaphor with relationships

Dance requires and implies movement and a relationship with space and time.

There are only two directions we can move - either towards something / someone / an experience or away.

Towards or away. Pretty simple eh?

Then we can begin to describe the quality of the movement. Smooth? Rough? Light? Heavy? Quick? Slow? Chopping? Cutting? Hacking? Pounding? Carving? Curling? Weaving? Swerving? Diving? Retreating?

The possibilities are seemingly endless.

So, with this in mind, think of an encounter with someone that was difficult. How did it dance? Instead of the stories you tell yourself about what happened, how would you describe it as movement? What are the qualities, textures, weights, speeds and directions of the movement?

Notice how you move through your relationships.

It’s like the old saying goes:

Shake your rump and your mind will follow.