What are the steps?
How do you dance
Harriette Learner wrote a brilliant book years ago that had a huge impact on my life. Though my junk and belief / feelings about myself are squarely biologically, physiologically, spiritually and psychologically male, The Dance of Anger - A woman’s guide to changing patterns of intimate relationships was a profoundly impactful book.
Learner writes a lot about disrupting patterns or dances. Dance of Intimacy. Dance of Fear. Dance of Connection. Dance of Anger. Dance of Decpetion. Dance of Needing to Pee Really Badly all have a similar structure and view of the patterns we create.
Her work brings awareness to ‘how’ we move thorough things, but not why. Her focus is on the steps we take almost automatically and how we can disrupt these patterns.
Here’s a bit of how I like to work with the ‘dance’ metaphor with relationships
Dance requires and implies movement and a relationship with space and time.
There are only two directions we can move - either towards something / someone / an experience or away.
Towards or away. Pretty simple eh?
Then we can begin to describe the quality of the movement. Smooth? Rough? Light? Heavy? Quick? Slow? Chopping? Cutting? Hacking? Pounding? Carving? Curling? Weaving? Swerving? Diving? Retreating?
The possibilities are seemingly endless.
So, with this in mind, think of an encounter with someone that was difficult. How did it dance? Instead of the stories you tell yourself about what happened, how would you describe it as movement? What are the qualities, textures, weights, speeds and directions of the movement?
Notice how you move through your relationships.
It’s like the old saying goes:
Shake your rump and your mind will follow.
I sometimes say: with dancing, what I lack in skill I make up for with enthusiasm.
Well.
I was on vacation at a resort, by invitation, and also by invitation I had drunk a ridiculous glass of whisky. The whisky was ok, it was just like half a beer glass of whisky and felt like a man thing that I had to drink it to respect my host. Whatever I can take it, plus I drank lots of water to help the body sort it.
But I had felt obligated to dance to the DJ that night because I hadn't gone the night before and I felt like I had missed something, and I hate missing things. The music seemed to go from super boring to funky to nasty techno, so the trick was to jump in at the funky part and get out when it got too techno, unless one could fill in the blanks that techno leaves with the music running in one's mind, you know how it is, anyway....
I was dancing with my wife, her sister, and her daughter. A teenage dude, taller that I am (184cm/6') hopped into our ring to tell me that I and my dancing are awesome.
I was like, "shucks, thanks, cheers"
My dancing is kinda explosive. Everything is moving. Intimacy Fear Connection Anger yeah.
Anyway at one point the ladies left me alone which was fine with me, I just gotta make sure not to hit anybody. Suddenly a small horde of teenagers surrounded me and started copying what I was doing and telling me that I was the best and high fives and smiles and joy and woo I was like ok team nice thanks on we go haha
It's a kind of shocking, to connect to a bunch of german teenagers in that way, presumably somewhat wealthy teenagers (all-inclusive resort...) Context, connection, humanity.
Wow, eh? :-D Seemed like shareworthy remarkable foolery.
Up and out
Toward and away
It's like this life thing is about action or something.