They should entrust the nuclear secrets to me.

I know of a special place

A magical place.

This is a place beyond the rules of time or physics or thermodynamics

This is the homeland of the lost and lonely sock, the missing wallet and that scraggly old virginity that ran away and isn’t coming home no matter how many posters you put up around the neighborhood.

This is a place of vast power, potential and mystery.

This is the safest place in the world.

I don’t know where it is. I do know how to get there.

There is a portal into this dimension in my home. What is this place? That remains to be seen. Some say that it is a wormhole, a rift in the space time continuum. Others believe that it is a gateway to a parallel universe. What ever it is, this place that I have access to, is a mathematical impossibility.

Here is a list of some of the things of mine that are currently there

• socks

• that extra set of car keys

• the speeding ticket I forgot to pay

• my wedding ring

• a lap top

• that part for that thing that’s broken and I’ll fix tomorrow

• my creativity

• Tomorrow. Tomorrow’s a lost dog.

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Accessing this space isn’t easy. In order to hide something so well that even you can’t find it - and access this portal to a different dimension - you need to be in an altered state. No psychadellics are necessary, though I’m sure they could enhance the experience. The altered state of conscious you can access naturally. Here’s how.

Begin by not eating. Go to bed hungry. Wake up hungry. Drink four cups of very strong, black coffee. Wait until your guts feel like a log that have sat in a bog for far too long. Notice as your nerves dance like willow leaves in a breeze. Scowl.

After that, don’t use the toilet. Hold everything in. Sure there might not be much there, but what is there likely wants to come out. Be mean to your pee. Keep it captive. And whatever solid waste you’ve produced? Send that turtle head back into its’ shell. In order to really lose something, you need maximum discomfort.

From this discomfort, overwhelm yourself. Start a conversation on messenger. Begin texting things to one person while finding the things on a list that someone else sent you. And? Call your mom. Never a bad time to do that. Don’t have a mom? Call the person most like mom to you. If that’s you, mutter violently to yourself.

While doing this, have a podcast on in the background and bring up your solitaire app as well and see if you can beat the daily challenge.

When you are feeling as overwhelmed and uncomfortable and distracted as possible?

Now it’s time to put your valuable nuclear codes in their safe space.

Remember where you’ve put them?

Good.

Make a mental note of this moment.

Memorize everything about the place.

Focus.

(as much as you can)

Really concentrate.

This is the best and most safest place.

Right?

Put your secert things there.

Look at them.

Now?

Move them.

Get impulsive.

Move them somewhere idiotic.

Stupid.

Put them in the most stupid place you can’t think of.

This is a place you’ll only find when fully lost.

Then, focus on the place where you first put them before moving them.

Convince yourself that they are in the first, reasonable safe place.

Eat.

Take care of yourself

And as you do, you’ll forget about the unreasonable pressure you created for yourself

And you’ll likely forget the unreasonable, impulsive place you left your valuable nuclear codes.

But don’t worry, you’ll find them again when you want them.

You’ll find them in the shed, or at work, only after spending hours cleaning out your closet.

That’s how secret codes work.

We all have our own nuclear codes.

We’ve hidden them from ourselves.

They are there, irrationally and unreasonably hiding

In a safe space

With some lost socks,

And

the extra car keys,

And

our confidence

And

our creativity.

And tomorrow.

You can find most of these things.

But don’t call ‘Tomorrow’. Tomorrow never comes.