three states of matter

on flatulence, feces and, the mitigation of risk

I’m a farter.

I love farting.

In fact, most days, I have some reserve in the tank if you will.

Much of the time, I have one ready, in the chamber, locked and loaded and primed to give a loud blast from the bumtrumpet, or the Trump-dumper, at any given moment.

That’s right, I can fart on command.

This anal mastery is not unique to myself.

On day while hanging out at the surf school, one of the instructors’ moms’ was ‘brag-plaining’ about how her sixteen year old son shared ‘the gift’.

I warned her about the pitfalls about certainty. When it comes to flatulence, you can never be sure that your actions are merely gaseous.

Every now and then?

The universe decides to alter the state of what you perceive to be a playful perineum poof of fun.

Every now and then, the universe decides to add density to the gas.

Gasses when condensed turn to liquid.

Liquids when condensed turn solid.

This progression, for those who possess ‘the gift’, can have horrific consequences.

The mitigation of risk

As a firefighter, my father was always hyper aware of risks and dangers in any situation.

Risk assessments and risk management was key to his work.

Finding ways to mitigate the risk?


As someone with ‘the gift’, I too, have found a technique the mitigate risks.

I’ve done it for so long and so often it has become an instinct.

When I utilize ‘the gift’, typically I raise my hip.

In doing so, I look much like a dog lifting its leg when leaving peemail.

This action, creates space between the cheeks. This space is essential.

It prevents smearing.

It makes the eventual clean up much easier.

Ideally, these mistakes don’t happen.

Ideally, we don’t push too hard, we don’t force the issue.


Given that we live in the real world, not the ideal world, it’s good to have a way to mitigate the risks.

Do you ever find yourself pushing too hard or are you someone who tends to hold back?

How, when taking a risk to put your version of ‘the gift’ into the world do you mitigate the risks associated with messing up?