they can tell that you're faking

and they love it as long as you're having fun

I remember my burning ears.

They can tell I’m not sleeping. They can tell I’m faking it.

I was embarrassed.

I smiled.

I began to giggle.

I tried with all of my might but the giggling wouldn’t subside.

My job was to pretend to be asleep, make snoring sounds, then wake up and say ho ho ho. It was December of 1978. I was six years old. Six years old and the star of the school holiday play.

And in this moment?

I was getting it wrong.

I was screwing up.

I was supposed to be snoring, sleeping, not hiccupping with heavily suppressed laughter.

I was so embarrassed. I was humiliated.

My heart was pounding. I was drenched in sweat, the plastic costume clinging grotesquely to my skinny little bones, the fake beard and pillow as well.

And?

I was having so much fun.

Humiliated and having fun?

I KNOW!

Weirdo.

Right here.

This guy.

It was so much fun to be doing it wrong.

It was so much fun to be embarrassed, sweaty and, hiccuping laughter mid snore.

I had one thing to do.

One simple thing.

Er…

Two things…

Anyway.

I ha…