The piss-take protocol

decoding our liquid language

When an ivory tower academic writes a paper, they begin with a theoretical framework. This framework is based on a survey of the best literature and ideas that can be found in relation to the topic at hand.

But as you well know dear reader, I’m a troll not a fucking egg head.

When a porcelain altered troll writes, we too can create a theoretical framework. But as a troll, it’s much more base.

Instead of high falootin ideas, mine is based on some simple truths of humanity. These truths are both embodied and base. That’s right folks - poo poo caca logic.

Earlier in the summer I wrote about the reflexive rejection we trolls engage in as we vomit back the rules of polite society. Yesterday I explored the paradoxical theory of poo.

Now, all that is left is the turd in this series. Today? With dedication and vomit out of the way, I have little left to explore but the land of the golden showers - Urinetown.

As a man of a certain age, I’m becoming more aware of the nation of urine. Urination in the middle of the night has become a more urgent matter. I tend to wake at least once for a bleary eyed stumble into my halls of worshipping at the alter of universal human experience to have a piss.

Or was that take a piss?

This depends on who you speak to.

When you have a piss it means you have the experience of pissing. In my case, in the middle of the night, this experience is that of an urgent interruption followed by great relief and a second sleep.

Taking a piss is another matter altogether. If one takes a piss, where do you take it? I can imagine a yellow jug produced on a long journey that comes along for the ride eventually being abandoned atop a garbage can in a rest stop parking lot.

It’s an odd thing though. When we change the ‘a’ to ‘the’ in the phrase take a piss we can take the piss out of someone.

And when you do that the result is predictable - they get pissed off.

But this raises this simple question dear reader - pissed off of what?

And when you’re pissed off, where do you land?

And once there, do you experience the same relief that I do when I have a piss?

I would like to believe that thinking about this is enough to make you piss yourself with laughter.

Which is odd as piss is generally used as a common intensifier of negative emotions.

This point is especially strange given the maxim that when it’s yellow, leave it mellow.

But that's the beauty of it, isn't it? From the deepest philosophical ponderings to the most urgent midnight relief, it all circles back to the same glorious, liquid, nonsensical human condition.

Don't be a hardass, just let it flow.

And remember the two shakes rule.

Any more than that and you’ll go blind you perverts.