I borrowed my dad’s truck the night we went for it.
The sellers were located just off the highway near the exit.
After a quick test drive and some dickering, we loaded my motorcycle onto the back of the truck then spun away.
The bike was old and came with another wheeless machine - a ‘parts bike’. It was there to cannibalize for parts in order to get the one that I purchased working properly.
Without a license to ride it, my bike promptly found a home in Billy’s living room. Over the next seven weeks we stripped it down to the frame and put it back together.
We likely could have finished sooner but along the way we encountered a problem that took three weeks to fix.
You see, there was a ball bearing inside of a shaft within the shifter and transmission. It needed to come out so the rest of the bike could be torn down. There was an issue, it did not want to move.
Our first tactic was simple - lie the bike on its side and hope that gravity would work. Of course if lying it on its side had been effective, I wouldn’t be writing this bit eh?
We tried tapping it with a hammer, pounding it with a hammer. We stuck things in the hole hopping to pry it free. We blew air and every type of solvent into the shaft containing the ball bearing. We shook the bike and we screamed at it. We even tried gum on the end of a stick.
I was just about at the point of lighting the entire mess on fire when George showed up. George took one look at our mess, giggled and asked for a 2-4 of Ten Penny.
That’s a lot of beer. You think it’ll take that long to get this done?
His smile dropped as he spoke: Just get me the fucking beer.
I did as ordered and returned to Billy’s. Once I arrived, George pulled something from his pocket that looked like a pen, only it was telescopic. In an instant, he extended his tool, stuck it in the hole and within seconds, the bearing was gone.
That sure was easy, what did you need all this beer for? I asked.
Fuel to mock you two asshats for neglecting to try a magnet.
We were stunned. He was right. All that was left to do was to enjoy the beer and move on.
Last year I had another moment like this. I was meeting with a colleague and they mentioned Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. RSD is one of the most insipid aspects of ADHD. Much like oppositional defiance, symptoms of RSD seem to get worse as we get older.
RSD isn’t merely a ‘mood disorder’ like depression. RSD is part of the neuro developmental disorders that are part of ADHD. ADHD has little to do with attention. More and more researchers are discovering that it’s an emotional regulation issue.
After coming across these articles in ADDitude magazine: How ADHD Ignites Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
New Insights Into Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
I booked an appointment to be clearly tested.
Here’s the part that really stood out for me:
Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is extreme emotional sensitivity and pain triggered by the perception that a person has been rejected or criticized by important people in their life. It may also be triggered by a sense of falling short—failing to meet their own high standards or others’ expectations.
Dysphoria is Greek for “difficult to bear.” It’s not that people with attention deficit disorder (ADHD or ADD) are wimps, or weak; it’s that the emotional response hurts them much more than it does people without the condition. No one likes to be rejected, criticized or fail. For people with RSD, these universal life experiences are much more severe than for neurotypical individuals. They are unbearable, restricting, and highly impairing.
When this emotional response is internalized (and it often is for people with RSD), it can imitate a full, major mood disorder complete with suicidal ideation. The sudden change from feeling perfectly fine to feeling intensely sad that results from RSD is often misdiagnosed as rapid cycling mood disorder.
RSD can make adults with ADHD anticipate rejection — even when it is anything but certain. This can make them vigilant about avoiding it, which can be misdiagnosed as social phobia. Social phobia is an intense anticipatory fear that you will embarrass or humiliate yourself in public, or that you will be scrutinized harshly by the outside world.
Rejection sensitivity is hard to tease apart. Often, people can’t find the words to describe its pain. They say it’s intense, awful, terrible, overwhelming. It is always triggered by the perceived or real loss of approval, love, or respect.
People with ADHD cope with this huge emotional elephant in two main ways, which are not mutually exclusive.
When I read this, I saw myself.
1. They become people pleasers. They scan every person they meet to figure out what that person admires and praises. Then they present that false self to others. Often this becomes such a dominating goal that they forget what they actually wanted from their own lives. They are too busy making sure other people aren’t displeased with them.
I learned how to do this to fit in. Now? I don’t want to which made the next part seem all the more real:
2. They stop trying. If there is the slightest possibility that a person might try something new and fail or fall short in front of anyone else, it becomes too painful or too risky to make the effort. These bright, capable people avoid any activities that are anxiety-provoking and end up giving up things like dating, applying for jobs, or speaking up in public (both socially and professionally).
Despite my daily writing, I’ve been hiding for years. And when I look at my career I can see how I’ve given up chronically on things.
Now a days, I give up chronically on people - not my people mind you. Not my family. Instead I’m giving up on those who had more social capital than I, those with more status than I who I desperately wanted attention and approval of. I’ve given up on those for whom I worked so hard contorting myself socially to please
Some people use the pain of RSD to find adaptations and overachieve. They constantly work to be the best at what they do and strive for idealized perfection. Sometimes they are driven to be above reproach. They lead admirable lives, but at what cost?
Those are the perfectionist ADHD’ers. Those folks are wildly wired to reject all and any imperfection so they just keep on grinding. Those are the folks I feel for the most. They aren’t oppositional defiant enough to block old friends or tell society to go fuck itself.
These kinds of people who internalize their aggression end up with auto immune disorders as opposed to dead or in jail as us defiant folks have a tendency towards
Sure, for years I suspected that I was wildly wired with ADHD. There was one small thing missing though: I was too smart, I could focus. There was no way I had ADHD. I just had a mood disorder and had to try harder. But just like the bike, no matter what I tried nor how much I shook or pounded, I was stuck.
Learning about RSD was the simple tool that I needed to get unstuck in my process of being and becoming something new.
RSD was the magnet.
What ball bearing is blocking your path?
What methods have you used so far?
Who has a magnet that looks like a pen that you can use to save your ass?
Instead of rejecting myself, I choose to reject those who criticize, have criticized or have winced visibly when I open my mouth. Unwilling to suffer from this any longer, I’m sending the pain out.
If it lands on you, congratulations, it means that you were important.
Now?
I am.