The picture of that day is clear to me. The sun was bright making it warm for a February. There was very little wind. The air carried a whiff of hope. It seemed to linger up, evaporating from the crystalline snowbanks turning quickly to icy slush then darkened lines on the asphalt.
I had the windows down, rolling along on my way to a meeting filled with promises of wealth and adventure. My sister got lucky / married a yuppie / took him for all he was worth, my eyes, squinted in a California pout I was there with Tom, singing along - but now she’s a swinger / dating a singer / I can’t decide which is worse.
It had the makings of a perfect day. Just diagnosed with ADHD moments earlier, it was though the shit from a thousand elephants had lifted from my chest. Things I denied, things I wanted to change, things that filled me with shame? They all seemed to have a framework that fit.
The sun was shining. The window were down. I felt great. I stepped on the gas. Sure the speed limit was 80, but there was a lot of open road and a curve ahead. Nothing feels better than going quickly around the bend.
I dropped down to fourth, spun the car up to the redline then hammered up to fifth before slamming back down into sixth.
My little Honda Fit hit 130 in an instant. (that’s about 90 miles an hour)
With the radio blaring and wind in my hair, I felt so alive.
I was with Tom! But not me baby / I got you to save me I KNEW that my driving was about to change! I was going to learn to slow down. I’d have chemical that might help me shut my mouth a little longer! Hooray! Today is the day I change!
Yer so bad
That’s when I noticed,
Best thing I ever had
Gulp.
In a world gone mad
Yup.
Yer so bad.
Fuck. Poor and erratic driving is a sure sign of undiagnosed adult ADHD…
I could not believe that I missed it! That white sedan that I had just passed on the inside?
It was an unmarked cop car.
Shit.
How fast was I going?
Shiiitttt
My eyes became saucers of distress. The ‘woah’ I needed in my driving was becoming ‘woe’ in my life.
Two things officer: 1: I was just diagnosed with ADHD moments ago. Apparently impulsive driving is a bit of a thing. Thank you for keeping us all safe. 2: I had no idea how fast I was going. I was just feeling good and singing along and 3: Why is it always Tom Petty when I get dinged for speeding?
He laughed wryly, even picking up on both jokes - the question about Tom Petty (who he could hear in the background - the irony of the song wasn’t lost on him either) as well as the old ‘two things but say three routine’.
When they told me that crazy driving is frequently a sign of the structural problems that cause the emotional dysregulation in people with ADHD, I didn’t believe them till now.
The cop laughed again.
You, my brother and my son could all say the same thing. Slow down. Pay your ticket and take the pills he told me.
I have never fit in. I’ve never had a full time job that I managed to keep. I don’t seem to fit with the world.
But this diagnosis? As awkward as it was, it fit. It fit really well. It’s alienating how well it fits and how clearly it helps explain so much.
A bit of knowledge won’t make the speeding ticket go away. But knowing what makes my food so heavy makes the entire mess less shameful.
What don’t you want to know about yourself that if you did you life might be a little easier?
What don't I know? Good question. Thanks for the nudge. When I can I'll ponder that question, if I remember.