the art of the effective arse plant

perfectionism is a disability

What’s the first thing that you learn when walking on stilts?

That, dear reader is a rhetorical question.

My guess is that few of you have ever walked on stilts and wouldn’t have two sweet clues what the experience is like.

So given this obvious bit of fuckery on my part, let me be clear:

The first thing you learn when learning to walk on stilts is how to fall.

The goal is not to prevent falling.

Nor is the goal to equip the stilt walker with safety gear or padding to decrease the pain from the impact of falling.

The goal is to know how to use what you already have to fall effectively in order to prevent injury.

Judo has a similar bit of training.

You don’t begin by merely picking up little Japanese dudes and chucking them across a room.

you begin by learning how to roll to dissipate the energy from being chucked across the room by a little Japanese dude.

The rules are simple: bone on pavement hurts - don’t roll down your spine if you can help it. In fact? roll on a diagonal from shoulder to opposite hip.

Stilts are not that much different except for the fact that your feet are three to seven feet above the ground.

The simplest way to fall from stilts is to fall forward. In doing so, your feet hit the ground first. If you’re leaning really far back as you go down a huge percentage of the force goes into the toes of the platform that you have your feet strapped to.

After the toes hit?

The next part of your body that you’ll want to come into contact with the ground would be the back of your legs and the meatiest part of yer arse.

Think of yer maximus arseimus is a big meaty, blood pillow. Sure it will bruise when it smacks the floor but it’s there to absorb the impact.

As your arse hits the ground, it’s ESSENTIAL to tuck your chin to your chest. Once your chin is tucked and your arse hits the ground, you pivot your weight such that you roll across your spine in a sort of reverse judo roll.

Why don’t you just wear a helmet? Wouldn’t stilts be much safer?

Sure, it would be safer, but only if you’re a fucking twit.

Because if you’ve got your chin well tucked to your chest there’s no fucking need of a twit bucket. By curling your head in your round your spine and the weight from the impact gets transferred across the section of circumference that comes in contact with the ground.

Better yet, if you’re good at falling you’ll instinctively put both of your hands behind your head and pull your head into your chest.

This action has two benefits: One, it protects your head and helps support your neck. Two? It keeps you from doing what every fucking dummy who doesn’t know how to fall does. It protects you from breaking both of your wrists.

Whether it’s falling of stilts, skateboard, rollerblades or a bike, more hands are turned into hamburger and more wrists into snapped twigs than coconuts get concussions.

And frequently, when people fall with their hands extended their head isn’t actually protected. Once their wrists snap like stale, uncooked spaghetti, their teeth and nose follow along promptly after.

But our world is screwy.

We don’t teach people how to fall effectively. Instead, we cover them with padding and insist that they clutch tight, walk the line and maintain a precarious balance without having a clue of what to do and how to react when shit goes sideways.

Those most successful at holding on are also those who are worst at falling.

And unfortunately, those are the motherfuckers in charge making helmet on bicycle laws and the like to protect us from their disability.

Because if the ability to fall is a skill, the inability to fall effectively is a disability.

Perfectionism isn’t just overrated.

It’s a disability.

Stay foolish you fiends.