Tap dancing on Uranus

and other household chores

Tody was a special day dear reader,

Today was special as it followed yesterday.

And yesterday?

Yesterday, was a special day.

For yesterday, “it” arrived.

The it?

A dryer vent cleaning kit - fully equipted - this thing has every thing - whirley bits, brushy bits, sticky bits,

And bits designed for maximum suck

What a glorious bit of kit!

After some preliminary excavations uncovered ancient socks and dish rags so deeply dirty they could never recover.., I foraged onward, behind the appliances.

These appliances are also special dear reader. For some reason their initial installation involved some how stuffing a skinny meth head over the top of the stacked appliances while he plugged stuff in.

I remember holding his ankles so he wouldn’t fall in to be trapped behind our stacked set. He’d be there forever and never escape. Well maybe he might. He might get hungry for meth.

His legs were hairy and his feet stank.

Also?

He groaned his teeth a lot. There were time Whe I couldn’t tell if it were his tile saw or his addiction induced jaw issues.

Mother fucker is going to need a bite plate if he keeps grinding his teeth like that!

On my own though?

I’m a Killer on a rampage.

I didn’t need anybody to hold me by my ankles I just rolled away the boulders and found filth in the promised land.

It was absolutely disgusting behind the washing pillar.

Entering the land behind? That was just the beginning.

Springing to action, my new dryer vent cleaning kit came to life.

Squeezing past Laura on the stairs I gave the impact wrench a playful squeeze and her a demonic grin.

“I needs me a bigger motor”

And I ducked out to my shop to find a more torque-y 18 volt drill.

I spun section after section of fiberglass duct cleaner, each propelling a round brush.

As it spun it pushed the filth out and away from the dryer.

away from the dryer.

Each time I pulled in the brush to see what was being extracted, I was disappointed.

I expected huge gobs of bellybutton lint.

I was expecting lintmageddon.

What I found was unsubstantial.

What I found was disappointing.

For I had learned something fundamental and primary about myself.

I wanted it to be more disgusting.

I wanted more filth.

I spun that brush until I could neither spin nor push any further.

But alas, nothing came back up and out of the hole.

(I was working with lint, not plumbing. And even with poo, you always MUST take a peak. It’s essential to know what ‘it’ looks like daily)

There was one more option. My heart quickened.

I went outside + got a ladder.

I climbed up to where the dryer vent exitsour house.

I climbed up and lifted the flap. I died.

My God? It’ can’t be!

Heaven.

I’d made it.

As I reached is behind the

flap, the true nature of my

discovery crept within my being.

Yes dear reader, I felt a tickle, a trilling rush of happy body feelings pleasure, it was as though an army of aphids tap danced across the sole of my anus.

I am Not exactly sure of what that means

But it sounds, well, I like how it sounds so I’m keeping it.

Anyhow, I may have digressed dear reader.

But the gob?

This gob was legendary. It was massive, epic

and about four inches of thick

moist renegade dryer fluff.

And this shit?

Shit

This shit nearly escaped. It’s at the end of the tunnel like a prisoner of war - the great escape - they’d have made it so close.

But then?

So sorry about that.

No escape for you.

Just the garbage bag. Sent there at the hands of Jimmy from Dartmouth.

And here I come, up the ladder, ready to tear away from freedom all of those gutsy bits of lint trying so hard.

I pull out gobs of it. Massive, ten centimetre thick chunks of it.

Its so rewarding.

I felt like doctor Pimple Popper only with dryer lint.

Is this satisfaction?

If So, why don’t one of you Fools get in touch with Mick + Keith.

Tell them if they-re looking for satisfaction?

Maybe they outta clean out their dryer vents.

That would teach ‘em a thing or two don’t ya think?