tales from the turd tunnel

what my toilet taught me about relationship residue

After yesterday's distress, I have been determined to get the toilet in place today. There is going to be a water lock between this bathroom floor and any grotesque rodent that may be trying to make its way up through the sewer system and into this studio.

A water lock might not be enough. With the toilet in place, I’ll likely flush a steady stream of draino, bleach and napalm down the pipe to keep creatures out. I’d add barbed wire if that wouldn’t cause a blockage. As of this writing, I’m investigating the addition of a trained, chained toilet badger - a badger to dwell in my turd pipe to prevent any rodent intrusions.

Imagine having sewer rats in your home. Do you feel violated? Do you feel filthy? I do just thinking about it. After crawling around where a sewer rat lurked, haven’t felt clean in days. Do you know how many times I’ve washed my hands in the last 24 hours? I’ve lost count. What I do know is this: They are chapped. Very chapped. Cream no longer works. Rats on the floor…