Taking up space
can lead to conflict
It was sunny. I needed to ride.
I hopped on Bepe and strained to power it Hilltop avenue. My cold legs strained against its’ single speed glory.
Bepe is my 1984 Kuwahara. It once was a mountain bike. Now, with only a single speed freewheel on the back, it rides like a big BMX. It’s nimble, quick and really playful.
At the top of Hilltop, I found an Langly to be completely empty, save the cars parked on either side. A narrow lane, big enough for one way traffic went down the middle.
Delighting at the wind in my hair, I checked over my shoulder and began weaving playfully down the middle of the road. Turning feels good. Hopping over sewage covers feels good. I was doing both and feeling great.
Out of nowhere I heard beeping and shouting. The culprit? An angry man in a Porsche SUV. I could have gotten out of his way, if I ducked into a driveway or one of the short spaces between two cars. But then I would have had to break to let this pushy, beeping Porsche driver pass. I was moving at quite a clip. I would have had to slow myself down to make room for Mr. Porsche man.
Fuck that guy.
I took my space.
I took my hands off the bars and sat up defiantly.
The beeping continued.
In my lifetime, I have had many people acting like Mr. Porsche driver. They have insisted that I don’t belong in a space. They have ‘beeped’ and ‘raged’ at me to get out of the way. I have been explicitly told to slow myself down to make room to let others pass.
This kind of squacking, beeping and raging has always had an implied threat. With Mr. Porsche guy, the threat was to run me over. With people in the world, showing up, speaking out and taking up space has always come with the risk of humiliation and social exclusion.
More violence.
Only the social violence of shame attacks came blanketed in a sense of communal self righteousness.
This story?
This is an introduction to my intolerance - intolerance of bullies that is.
When bullies both physical and social start honking and shouting at you to get out of the way, do you?
Or, do you do what I did?
Oh.
Right.
Did anything happen beyond the shouting and beeping?
Oh yes.
But, that story is for tomorrow.
It’s like the old saying goes:
Leave ‘em wanting more.
I was trained to be invisible and to serve others. My depression era Mom and the family, without realizing it and with no ill intent, planted the message firmly. As the only girl, five years younger than the younger brother, I was the one who cleaned and cooked from a very young age. They had no training in domestic life. A woman was expected to step in and do that. At 9, if Mom worked, I made dinner for the 14, 16 and 41 year old men. I never questioned it until later. And my go to is to move out of the way, help others and put my own wants on a back burner. Except in business. I was trained in the 80s. Mmmm...finance in the 80s...thunderdome for business. Oh, and martial arts. These were my competitive spaces and well, my wants came to the front here. I felt the most like me when creating in a competitive space. I don't blink here and I own a room easily. My personal growth has been focused on a middle ground...less competition and more boundaries about my needs and wants. Having one foot in aggressive spaces and one in passive has made for difficult walking for the first 4 decades. More recent times have been learning to hold my space unapologetically. It's been hard. Giving people attract takers. Oh, and takers get pissed off when you stop giving.
I am thankful for this signal; the people who want you for what you do for them self-identify. This boundary thing is beautiful: I'm sorry this quick sidestreet is currently being enjoyed by a kid driving a motorless vehicle (we are all kids dressed up as adults). You can have it as soon as I am done.
Good message. I think we Canadians need to apologize less and take up our space a little more unapologetically.