Some songs don't belong at weddings

four minutes and twenty one seconds of agony

It was a big another big wedding at another big golf course somewhere west of the city. It was fancy and important for all sorts of reasons, none of which mattered to me. Style, not substance was the order of the day.

The father of the bride was paying for everything. Upon arrival, he handed me my fee, plus a little brown Canadian note with a handshake and a nod: “It’s my little girl’s big day. Don’t fuck things up buddy.”

Ahhh weddings, such low pressure events. And on this one, I got to begin the evening with both the carrot and the stick. Such fun.

After midnight and before 1 am

Weddings typically had an arc. Dancing typically hit its climax between midnight and 1am. By then, the requisite slow songs and necessary oldies are out of the way. People typically feel loose enough¹ to get out and bust a move. This is when dance circles happen.

Ideally, between midnight and half past, each song is getting a better reaction than the last one. People sway and hang off each other, they sing along…