Problematic words and phrases

Like my Dodge Problematic down in the parking lot...

Everyone has words and phrases that irritate them.

Here are a few remarkably foolish ones

A few years ago, waiters were the worst.

“Can I grab you something from the bar?”


Can you grab something for me?


It’s such a low brow creepy word.

Grab is something I do with my testicles when I need to rearrange them.

Grab ass.

Grab bag

Grab and go.

Can I grab you…

No good can come from that phrase no matter how you complete it.

Never use ‘grab’ in a dining situation.

Grab a slurpee?

Grab and slurp.

Be careful with grabbing the moist pole.

I’m not even touching that one…

Again. No good can come from the word ‘grab’


Again, at a restaurant, the servers for a long time seemed to end their interactions with the word ‘perfect’.


My order was perfect?

This conversation was perfect?

There’s nothing perfect here.

Me: I’d like a chicken sandwich

Them: Perfect!


And all I had to do was order a sandwich?


No, wait, that’s wrong.

There’s not an exclamation point to be found in their sallow waiterly expression.

It’s more like: Perfect.

Flat. Without any hit of excitement.

Do these people not understand how hard people work towards perfect?

Do they not know that perfection is a lie?

And if they do why do they help perpetuate such a scourge?

What is perfect?

Do you not have other words?

Perfect is perhaps the most imperfect word for any waiter to use ever.

Unless ironically.

Because from what I know about restaurant staff?

Life there is far from perfect.

So why overuse the word so damn much.

Is it aspirational?

Is your vocabulary that lazy that you punctuate and end all conversations with an unattainable state?

Fuck perfect.

The worst though?

How is you food tasting?

Whaddyamean how is my food tasting?

The food isn’t tasting. I’m doing the tasting. The food is being eaten jackalope. Step back and ask something that makes a bit more sense, like how is your meal?

It’s all so problematic.

GAAAAAHHHH - that is actually the absolute worst word these days:


There’s nothing worse than the word problematic.

They took a perfectly good noun and ruthlessly turned it into a adjective.


It’s such a righteous sounding word.

Uncovered piano legs?


Uppity people working for you?


Elephants in a Volkswagen?


There’s nothing good about the word problematic. It wreaks of arrogance, of knowing so, so much more than anyone else and, of needing to have your head removed from your asshole.


It sounds like something sold on a late night infomercial in the 90’s.

Somewhere, on air, between the slap chop, shamwow and magic bullet you’ll find the amazing ‘Problematic’ an unusually divisive device that creates problems that weren’t there until someone showed up with that fucking awful word.

It needs to be put in its place. In the place where we place things, problems we don’t want to deal with.

It should go in the problem attic.

Or perhaps in the bed of your pickup truck:

A Dodge Problematic.

300barrel four on the floor four hundred horsepower Dodge Problematic. That’s right a Dodge-Mother-Lovin-Problematic!

Really, if ‘problematic’ is part of your daily vocabulary, please, rethink your life.

If you’re constantly encountering things that are problematic, look in the mirror. You are more than likely the problem.