Prime Time Van Life
Working from home for Jeffrey Bozo
I’ve got to hand it to Jeffrey. I thought Lonnie’s latest was outrageous. The beds in the office? Perfecto. But Jeffrey’s latest innovation? Unimaginable. Brilliant. Perfect.
When Jeffrey pulled out the automated drone based service, I was a bit impressed. A bit. I had my doubts. They seem to be unreliable despite the incredibly large start up costs. Given Jeffrey’s penchant for innovation and desire to improve the lives of people everywhere, I urged him to try harder.
Well, it seems he has. Jeffery has developed an organic, locally sourced, migrant underclass workforce. He started with his iconic navy blue vans. They were everywhere. Lately, during the holiday delivery season, drivers were working so much they seemed to be living in their vans. They, like many of their generation who live in vans, didn’t seem to mind.
Jeffrey, like so many like us founders, has a talent for combining trends and finding synergies that improve the lives of millions. So it comes at no surprise what he’s done. Jeffrey has combine this new generation’s fascination with ‘van life’ with his Prime delivery service. Spreading happiness is the order of the day.
By creating the new Amazon Van Life initiative, Jeffrey is helping make supply chains more resilient while finding a solution to the high costs of housing faced by young people today. Though still in its infancy, some of the underlying technologies used in this new development will be familiar with everyone.
At first it was easy for Jeffrey to attract local people to drive and live in a van. The issue is one of novelty. The younger generation craves novel situations and novel visas. They want to see the world, not from the decks of a warship or from behind the barbed wire of a secure military installation. They wan to see the world from the driver seat of a van. Employee retention was the first issue.
Luckily, using preexisting platforms like Tick Tock and Snap, Jeffrey developed The Selfie Solution. Essentially, Amazon now uses advanced algorithms and machine learning to use mimetic trends to organize ‘the herd’. They say that ‘the herd’ has a mind of its own. Jeffrey has learned how to control it.
Status within ‘the herd’ comes from collecting unique, desirable and individual selfies. Jeffrey uses advanced algorithms to push drivers to go further and find newer, more inventive and care free selfies. The whole project hinges on a pretense of freedom to roam while driving a strictly prescribed route. Van Lifers, according to Jeffrey, must feel free while having their dreams and desires tightly controlled by him. It seems to be working!
Members of ‘the herd’ are constantly in search of new places to have pretend experiences and back drops for unique selfies. They are individually fed fresh new status goals for their selfies. Some collect angels wings selfies. Others strive for shots atop of a mountain. All gather for selfies in front of the Wal Mart food banks.Or from the Wal Mart parking lots where they bed down for the night.
Herds tend to congregate around activities. Ocean side Van Lifers tend to surf, sup and take pictures of their toes next to the water. The Wim Hoffers like the ice. Mountain Van Lifers climb rocks, ride bikes and tend to stand with their hands in the air.
The genius of the model lies in human dissatisfaction. Each selfie opportunity rewards the young people with a limited number of opportunities for the release of serration and dopamine. On a regular basis, each small herd finds to those less than devoted to the rules of their particular group. The scapegoat mechanisim kicks in. These members then travel from one herd to the next.
This is how packages travel across the nation now. No longer do we need semi trucks. We have dissatisfied surfers who no longer fit in with the wave riding crowd. They travel inland and become part of a rock climbing or bike riding sect. As they go, they bring thousands of packages with them.
Occasionally however, something startles the herd. They travel en mass from one region to the next. These periods Jeffrey now refers to as ‘brown outs’. When the People of the Prime are gone, Jeffrey needs to phone in a favor to UPS. Then? Then they get the brown out to fill in the gaps caused by the irrational migration patterns.
Soon, you’ll notice people without the normal navy Prime clothes. Soon the people delivering your packages will be clad in plaid and unique bespoke hand made denim.
Prime drivers who live the van life look a bit ragged and malnourished! That’s likely because the washer / dryer they are attempting to steal has neither a source of power or water. Combine that with the fact that most Prime Driver’s diets consist of rations stolen from a delivery to a ‘prepper’ household or supplements bound for a gym rat.
Don’t let the dark circles, open sores or missing teeth fool you, these people are ‘living their best life’. Sure, they face constant break ins, sleeping in frigid weather and lack health insurance. Know this my billionaire friends: They are happier and better of than the children who mined coal two hundred years ago. You have nothing to feel any guilt or shame about.
So, this holiday season, raise a glass and give thanks to Jeffrey, Lonnie, Mark, little peetie theil and all of the other visionaries working to create a healthier and more just world.
Do you think we’d actually pay people enough money to eat? Why would we pay people a living wage, when food banks held within some of the world’s most profitable companies have become so acceptable that they’re common place?