Once upon a time on linkedin
on creative job titles
Once upon a time dear reader, back in the latter fart of the early oughts, people were getting really creative with with both the jobs they did and the titles they give themselves.
Perhaps they ought not to have as many of them through the lense of hindsight sound pretty ridiculous.
I think it began with the tech and IT dorks who, for the most part didn’t know what they were doing. Some of these idiotic positions included
Software Ninjaneer: A combination of a software ninja and an engineer. The "ninja" part was used a lot to imply someone who was fast, efficient, and good at coding. I only wish some of them carried a katana to use in hari kari when they realized that their titles and roles were bullshit.
Emperor of Bit-Land: A fancy way of saying Chief Technology Officer, often used by a founder of a company. Given the fucking nightmare monsters they’ve created, it’s easy to see how the emperor these days is naked and flabby.
Digital Overlord: This was a common one for a webmaster or web developer, a person who had complete control over the company's website. No egos here eh?
Evangelist: This title was incredibly popular, especially for tech influencers or brand managers. A Chief Digital Evangelist or Senior Kindle Evangelist was a person who passionately promoted a brand or technology, like a modern-day missionary. Now, social media influencers have powers that the televangelists of old only dreamt of.
Though some of the biggest arseholes were in Tech and IT, those roles weren’t the only ones that suffered such delusions of grandeur. People in marketing and ‘creative’ departments took liberties with their job titles including such gems as:
Wizard of Light Bulb Moments: A person in charge of creative ideas. This was a playful way to say Creative Director. Did they like Harry Potter a bit too much? Perhaps. And in the end, these parasites were still finding new and wonderful ways to make women feel good about fabric softener.
Dream Alchemist: A mystical-sounding title for a creative director or head of marketing. Again, Alchemist? Sure, the stuff they may have been selling was shit, but the term ‘chief turd polisher’ would likely have fit these corporate shills a lot better.
It didn’t end there. Receptionists became Directors of First Impressions. And coffee shop art school flakes? They all became wops and took the title of barrita. Such dignified artists would never sully themselves by asking would you like fries with that?
Ah, dear reader, this fool that you read here wasn’t immune. At the time, I was on the outs with the greater clown community.
An aside dear reader… Clown community?
What kind of pretentious fucks were precious about their clown communities?
You’re a bunch of fucking clowns. You come from a tradition of squirting flowers, farting pillows and big shoes and yet somehow the so called clown community became a land of self expression, social justice and spiritual growth. What asshole co opted something so silly?
The clowns must have had an extra specially good dream alchemist in order to polish such a pile of turds.
Yeah… I didn’t really have much patience for such codswallop.
As such, I gave myself a title: Freelance Joymonger.
Catchy eh?
I know… some said it sounded like I liked licking arseholes for money. That’s not what I meant by ‘joymonger’.
The logic was a fishmonger sold fish and a joymonger would sell joy. I used that title when I toured Canada back in 2001.
But when I met another ‘Canadian Clown’ - a man would act as a mentor for me for only $250 per hour, he told me that perhaps being a joymonger wasn’t enough.
If you work with me long enough maybe you’ll be able to monger a little more than joy, perhaps something transformational.
In retrospect I should have kicked Robert Morgan in his shins then bit his nipples off then peed all over his crumpled body as he lay on the ground.
I was duped by this motherfucker into feeling ashamed of my grand and wonderful title. That cocksmoker didn’t know the power of Trooper nor the wisdom of the following words:
We’re here for a good time, not a long time, so have a good time, the sun can’t shine everyday.
So the point of this dear reader?
A lot of the titles we give ourselves are really stupid to other people. Some of the roles we play may seem just absurd.
But?
Someone out there will like the little joke you make or the title you give yourself.
And if they don’t like it?
Fuck them.
Please yourself first.
You don’t work at the movie theatre, you’re a Gatekeeper of Gilded Dreams.
You’re not scrubbing shit of toilet bowls in bathrooms at the mall, you’re an Ambassador of Sanitation.
Hairdresser? Nah bruh, you’re a Psychological Confidant.
And us waiters? We’re not servers. We’re Gastronomical Experience Guides.
And, remember the old saying: Laugh loudly at your own jokes so the others think you’re insane.
Love the people who love you.
But begin with yourself eh?
