Once there is coffee
They cease to be assholes.
You know this person. You know the one, the one that maintains that they’re not human till coffee flows.
You know who I’m talking about - those oh so funny assholes who use caffine addiction to justify being a giant pain until they get their coffee.
Despite being one of these people, I’ve never understood what makes us sour in the morning.
How is it possible to wake up grumpy?
What pissed you off? One minute, everything is joyful, covered, warm, safe and in bed - the best place in the world, the next moment? Frowns. Dark clouds. Threats of violence. Coffee creation. It’s a hell of a switch caused by merely placing our feet on the floor.
Are our feet so powerful, so sensitive that merely placing hem on a cold floor is enough to ruin a day?
It’s not like they expected to just stay in bed forever.
The thing about going to bed is pretty simple. You go there expecting to leave eventually.
Oh sure, you may hit the snooze button three or four times, but you know that at some time or another, you’re going to get up.
It’s a privlidge getting up.
You’re not quite dead yet.
Perhaps you’re even able to walk.
If you’re doing well, you might even make your way to the bathroom to void yourself.
Every day you get up in the morning and shit in a toilet, it’s one less day without home care.
That’s right you can poop on your own right now like a big boy.
But one day?
One day, you’ll become a decrepit dinosaur who can’t reach their own asshole.
(please take a moment to imagine yourself with very short arms and limited mobility straining to reach the dirty parts)
Hell, you’ll be so old and gross, you likely won’t even be able to spread your ass cheeks when you shit.
They’ll need to get the fire department to hose those skid marks away.
No reason to be grumpy with me about these fetid fecal facts. Nothing bad has happened yet. No fire hoses have been used for anal irrigation.
Perhaps when we awake we experience anticipatory grumpyness. Just knowing what the day looks like can be enough to set a person off.
Day to day life is difficult. Commuting. Running into other humans. Stupid stuff that others demand you do. Inflation. That dick in accounting who insists on correcting every small typographic error on your expense reports.
It’s enough to make you want to give up.
Just give up.
When life sucks too much that you wake up grumpy, going back to bed is probably a good idea - not just for you but for the rest of us.
That little depressed voice in your head that says that people don’t want you around because you’re too negative?
Listen to that one.
Stay in bed.
That’s a great way to live. Hide.
But there’s a fundamental problem here. When you wake up grumpy, you have yet to encounter any assholes.
That’s correct. No ham handed slow drivers have made you late for work. That coworker who slurps their coffee, you have yet to hear. That look your boss gives you for not passing a Mac truck through your urethra? You haven’t seen that yet.
So far, no assholes. Yet.
In fact, if you’re lying in bed, or just up, and are grumpy, it’s likely that the only unpleasant dink is you.
That’s the biggest jerk who is most difficult to escape in my world.
We all have those days. You know those days, when we wake up and the world’s a giant slimy, maggoty pile of dog shit.
All transitions are difficult. Moving from one state, place, conversation or activity to another blows chunks.
Moving from the soft, warm comfort of bed and the freedom of dreamland to the cold, hard reality of starting a day is a big transition. It’s pretty much the biggest of the day.
Transitions can be difficult. Leaving work at work and arriving at home? That’s a time of friction. Leaving the annoyances of traffic behind so that you can focus on playing with your kids? Again, difficult.
How do you support yourself with transitions?
I’m getting a coffee
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