on wiping your arse with steve jobs

and falling off toilets filled with angry turds

I fell off the toilet this morning.

I blame Steve Jobs.

He’s always with me when I’m doing ‘a job’ in the shitter.

That’s not entirely true. If he were there things would either be very stinky or very dusty. I dunno, did they burn the motherfucker or is he in the ground somewhere.

His love child? The iPhone?

I always have that with me when I shit.

My time in the crapper isn’t merely time to dispatch yesterday’s gazpacho. I play video games.

Well, I play one game.

Angry Turds.

Sure you may know it by something else, but when I’m struggling to three star a nasty one while coiling out some wet rope, I sometime get a bit forceful.

Sadly, pushing harder to poop DOES NOT HELP when playing Angry Turds.

You know what else doesn’t help?

Leaning far to your side and tilting your entire body and phone in a vain attempt to get one of those fucking green pigs to roll off an edge and die.

DIE GREEN PIGGY DIE!

(see? there is a reason that I call this game Angry Turds)

Today?

I pushed things too far.

I tilted and …