It was an odd day dear reader.
Well…
Odd in some ways, yet entirely predictable.
You see, today, Zeke and I went out on a group bike ride. The group size? Like seventy people. It was a bike rally.
I don’t normally do groups. That was the odd part.
It was fun.
But the predictable part?
In this group of like minded people, in my most trollish way of giving no fucks, inevitably found some conflict.
Surprising?
Of course not.
Lennie set it up a bit better for all y’all.
There were people doing three different lengths of ride. Zeke and I were of the ten doing the longest version.
Though we ride ‘together’ I’m mostly on my own while out with Zeke these days. He’s a lot faster than me..
At around the 88th of 98k I caught up to two women. They were ladies of means.
And that ‘means’?
They were mean girls.
Well.
That’s what I soon learned.
They had expensive bikes and all of the right cycling clothes.
They were riding slow and one was fucking around with her cell phone.
Flying along on an open, gravel road, I passed them but not before pleasantly saying ‘On your left’ as a bit of a warning.
They screamed.
It was hilarious.
I may have giggled a bit.
Then ‘Middle aged baby dropping Barbie’ shouted after me
Never do that. Don’t you dare do that again.
Ah dear reader.
As you can well imagine that I took the bait like a mackerel hitting something shiny in the water.
She was angry and I was hopped up on caffeine energy gels, dopamine and adrenaline.
Her scowl? They could have seen it from space.
Excuse me Mizzz, Is your name ‘Laura’?
I was shocked when she replied ‘yes’.
It wasn’t a ‘friendly’ yes. More of an expectant yes, as though she wanted me to apologize for frightening her.
Ladies, gentleman, if ever I scare the shit out of you by mistake or on purpose, please be aware that I will never apologize.
I’ll laugh.
High five myself or even dance a little jig.
I don’t care if you have tits or a dick, I will behave the same way.
I’m kinda ‘equal opportunity’ in that way.
But this lady?
She seemed to think that not only should that not be the case but also that I was somehow wrong to startle her.
Cute little princess…
The words dripped sardonically from my mouth.
You’re not my wife. She’s the only person in the world allowed to speak to me that way, so let me meet you where you’re at.
Oh dear, dear reader - this is the part where I body shame her. If you can’t take body shaming, go away now.
You obviously once were a ‘hot chick’. Meow? Meow you look like you’ve dropped a couple dozen babies. Which tells me that when you screamed, you peed. That’s likely why you’re so upset. Your weak pelvic floor is not my problem.
Then?
Then I pedaled merrily away, the nerd in his 50’s, happily married and fresh outta fucks dunking on a haughty entitled twatt acting like a prom queen.
All in all?
It was a great way to cap off a great day.
If the entitled ever ask for an apology?
It’s always better to pedal away laughing.
Stay scary you fools!