on the shame of replacing a serpentine belt
a pulley! a pulley! my kingdom for a pulley!
I was rolling along to pick up my son when it happened.
Immediately I knew something was wrong. The steering became VERY heavy.
Next?
The battery started to fade and the temperature began to rise.
Shit shit shit!
The serpentine belt must have snapped!
Dear reader, try moving the wheel of a big old pick up truck with no hydraulic assistance. It’s not for the limp of wrist nor the weak of arm.
And me?
I’m no Steve Atlas.
Luckily, I got both the truck and my son home without incident.
Once home, I popped the hood. Looking inside, I was shocked to discover that the belt was fully intact.
What happened?
I had no idea.
I asked everyone I knew. The most universal reply
Your tensioner must be gone. You need a new belt tensioner and pulley.
So, with the advice of others, I ordered a new tensioner and pulley.
The next day I went to the shop and picked up the part.
One bolt. That was all I needed - one bolt.
When I went to replace it, I discovered the old tensioner was fine.
Instead?
It was the idler pulley that failed.
I called my local parts shop and ordered a new pulley.
Two days later it arrived.
I put the new pulley on in the place of the old one, then routed a new belt on the system.
There was still a problem. The entire system was completely slacked off.
Shit shit shit.
I removed what I had purchased and put on and with my tail between my legs went to another part shop.
That? That’s not for your truck. That’s an AC pulley. You need one with grooves.
Oh groovy I thought to myself, I’m two parts and almost a week in and still no functioning truck.
I ordered the part and two days later it arrived.
I was finally able to get my big red beast rolling again.
That whole nine days though, it wasn’t just my movements that were restricted. My brain was locked in a loop that spun faster than the trucks water pump. When will I get this working? Will I get this working? What if it’s the crankshaft pulley? What if I can’t fix it? What do I do now? If I need to bring it in, I’ll feel so embarrassed and defeated. I’m not a mechanic, I’m a fraud, a poser and a dork. These parts dudes must think I’m stupid. They’ve gotta be laughing at me.
And so I spun.
The funny thing about this is?
These are the same thoughts I had when I replaced the toilet.
They are the same thoughts that came up when I stopped the leaky shower drain and when I built my first building.
I had reached an impasse and was frozen.
Nothing felt possible.
Worse?
I was afraid - afraid of both the cost of failure financially and the sting of social judgement.
Later when I returned to the parts shop I said to the guy behind the counter You must think I’m really stupid coming in day after day for part after part to fix such a simple thing.
He stared back at me blankly and replied:
No, I don’t think about you at all.
In every project you’ll reach an impasse.
Whether it’s making a change in your life, creating art or fixing an engine, you’ll eventually reach a point where the world is out to get you and the fear of social judgement is very near.
And all of this?
It’s not real.
You’ve created it for yourself.
The point, dear reader, is this. The biggest thing getting between you and forward progress isn’t money or lack of knowledge. It’s your fear of judgement and the catastrophes you create around the consequences of failure.
With my truck all it took was finding the correct part and twisting one small bolt in place.
It turns out that the only thing harder than steering a full sized pickup with no power steering is steering your brain out of a shame spiral.
It turns out that most of the overheating engine disasters we imagine are just smoke from our brain from a fire that only we can see.
It took nine days of floundering and ten minutes with a socket wrench to get moving again.
If only life were that simple eh?
Maybe it is.
Stay greasy you fools!
