on the intolerable perfection of self watering plants
and jeffrey dahmer love
He’s going to kill me. I broke my brand new iPhone and we didn’t get Apple care. Her voice quaked and shook as she spoke.
No Apple care? That was fucking stupid, I quipped oh-so helpfully.
Helpful, she scowled.
You’re welcome. You were sad and afraid because of some stupid phone bullshit. Now you’re angry at me. That’s an improvement. I was right and I knew it. Lost iPhones are WAY less important than being loved. How the fuck did you decide to not get coverage. That wasn’t your decision was it?
Yeah, George thought it was a waste of money. He thought we just needed to be sure to take care of our stuff. She shook her head. He HATES wasting money.
Well, is he aware of who he married? No offense but you’re a fucking train wreck from time to time and a fucking flake. I laughed at my own brilliance, she softened as I laughed.
A rueful smile crept across her face. I am a flake. And I can’t seem to change. I can can get my shit together but I can’t seem to keep it there.
Lovely story, I told her, you’re pretty damn competent when it comes to your job. There are just times you can’t tell the difference between your arse and your elbow.
Yeah, but I want to be better at looking after stuff. George is so easy going. He’s like a self watering plant.
I stopped the conversation and paused for a minute. You mean to tell me that after twelve years of marriage, you don’t find anything about him intolerable?
She just gaped at me and shook her head. He’s a self watering plant.
Beside thinking that my friend Betty was married to perhaps the most boring person on earth, I suspected that there was more here than she was letting on. How infuriating would it be to be married to someone who you didn’t want to murder? That would be enough to make me want to murder them just to find someone a bit more exciting.
We talked about kids, bikes and the next big swell. Working in restaurants is fun. There’s a lot of down time to really get to know your coworkers. Our conversation switched to her recent vacation.
Where did you go? What did you do?
We went to visit George’s family in Alberta. Holy fuck they are so irritating. His parents are soooo lovey dovey. They do everything together. What’s worse? When we’re not getting along, compares our relationship to theirs.
Her eyes had that Jeffrey Dahmer look - you know that look - that look that couples have when they know they wouldn’t just kill their spouse, they’d cook them up on the BBQ then eat them for breakfast.
Self watering plant eh? Seems like we’ve found where Georgie boy is pretty fucking intolerable.
Betty froze and blushed.
I pushed. Look, whoever you marry is going to be a fucking pain in the ass. He’s gotta love you as the idiot who loses their new iPhone. You’ve gotta love him as the clueless idiot who thinks mommy and daddy are perfect.
Because dear reader, that’s what marriage is - an imperfect union of assholes who decide to tolerate the intolerable because the rest of the package is worth it.
Sometimes.
I guess.
So a good marriage has two rules
One: Love the people who love you.
And two, when you hate them?
Remember the first rule.
