on tall puppies

and the mutts nuts

Oh Lord, it's hard to be humble
When you're perfect in every way
I can't wait to look in the mirror
'Cause I get better lookin' each day
To know me is to love me I
must be a hell of a man
Oh Lord, it's hard to be humble
But I'm doin' the best that I can

Mac Davis,

Ah dear reader, it’s difficult to be me these days - a silver fox with cute buttox. It’s hard to know that you’re all that and a bag of chips - the mutts nuts and not hold your head a little more high because of it.

I’ve been struggling lately. You see, I’ve been doing a hell of a good job at work lately. I’m making better tips than my peers. My wit has people chortling. When the Frank-o-phones show up, I speaks to them in their language as best I can.

Online reviews are showing up mentioning me by name.

The big boss mentioned how I’ve gone above and beyond in an email to all of the staff.

And you know what this has done?

Nuthin!

Nuthin but causin’ me trouble. Since I arrived and started doing so well, folks around the restaurant haven’t taken too kindly to me.

I’m not sure whether it’s the tips, the praise or the fact that when people tell me that I’m doing well, my response is simply: Of course.

Of course I’m doing well, this is fresh and new, I’m interested and applying myself.

When it comes to a job, when I set my mind to it, I learn quickly and do really well.

Jimmy! Jimmy, get outta here. You’re the only one making the tips.

That was one quick statement. The next?

Ohh, here comes the big man, recognized by the boss man - student of the week.

Instantly I was transported back to elementary school in the fifth grade when Ms Goodwin used to hand our tests back reading out the marks as she went. Ms. Goodwin would begin with the kid with the highest mark, then the second highest and so on.

The final kid?

LOL…

That was the biggest loser in the school. We all knew it.

And most of the time?

I got my papers back first.

When I didn’t?

I was pissed.

In fact, getting the highest mark in the class was the only reason I’d work at all. I didn’t care to learn. I didn’t want to win. I wanted to dominate every little fucking worm below me.

I was a small boy with a big mouth. I used to get pushed around a lot back then. I hated all of the athletic ‘popular’ kids who used to beat me up at recess. I loathed the teachers and lunch ladies who turned a blind eye when I’d be hung by my underpants from the barbs at the top of the chain link fence.

My ability?

That was my only power.

You might beat me up, but I’m fucking smarter than you.

By the end of middle school I learned to keep my head down and not show off my wit nor intellect. If not properly muted or apologized for, it would do little more than get me in trouble.

It’s almost as though every educator I met and many classmates, whether university, theatre school or therapy seminar was there to somehow find a way to put their stamp on me by reducing my confidence and teaching this tall puppy not to stick his neck out lest it get cut off.

Which makes me wonder dear reader, who the fuck cuts the heads off tall puppies?

I dunno, but someone outta call the SPCA for these kind of workplace leveling schemes.

Now I’m not here moaning about being bullied as a kid. That’s fucking soft - like five ply toilet paper super soft.

No.

I’m here to say that the eleven year old kid who was fucking proud of being the best?

He’s still here.

And guess what?

That same eleven year old kid who used to know how to play and have fun and dream?

That kids still in you. You know, that excited, imaginative, guileless dreamer who put their hand up first and was proud of doing well.

And the bullies are there too. Those dominant monsters with the sensitivity, humour and imagination of Attila the Hun’s favorite executioner.

But guess what?

I’m not just the kid.

I’m the dad.

And the teacher.

And when kids with the lower grades and smaller tips get jealous and resentful these days?

Let them.

Because of course you’re doing well

And?

Of course they’ll try to cut your head off - you’re a puppy great dane and they’re a bunch of fucking pugs.

But be careful.

If they can’t get your head, when they’re licking your arse, make sure they don’t have a chance to take your balls.