On Surviving Garfield day
not a post about lasagne
Happy Garfield day.
What’s wrong with you?
Go away, put your phone down and don’t come back until you develop a nasty caffeine addiction that you use to justify being either 1) slow in the morning or 2) a total prick in the morning or 3) a slow in the morning total prick, until you get your coffee.
Did you prepare?
Did you get to bed early last night?
Did you just want to squeeze in a little more of that precious time doing important things.
Like doom scrolling marketplace or tick tock or stories or knitting or cleaning or merely enjoying a conscious conversation with someone you love.
Did you stay up late having ‘conversation’ on a Sunday?
Oh dear, your week is now screwed.
Here is a remarkably foolish guide to surviving Monday.
First, don’t set an alarm. Wake up way too late. If you live with another creature, wait for them to insist that you get up. This might be a charming love bringing you a cup of coffee, a screaming baby demanding a fresh bum or a cat eating your toes because your eyes and ears are covered by the blanket you are ostriching with.
Next, run around your home and change the time on every device capable of displaying the time. When people insist that you need to move, pull out the magic wand of denial. Throw it at them, jump back under the covers and hope they go away.
Now? Great. Break down. Acknowledge the reality that you must somehow function. You may have things to do that you want to do. You may have things that you don’t want to do. And given the warmth of the bed? The things that likely feels best are the blankets.
At that moment, I’m guessing that the biggest ‘don’t want to do’ is get up and go to work.
Do the things.
Do not forget the coffee.
Make another one.
Are you late yet?
Ok don’t panic. Don’t hurry. You’ve got plenty of time.
Ok don’t panic. Don’t hurry either, that will only slow you down.
One foot in front of the other people.
Get to where you need to be.
Is it your ‘home office’ in the living room?
Well done. I’m pleased to hear that you made it in to work today.
Did you have a two hour commute on transit with someone whose COVID experience has rendered their olfactory senses useless and as such, do not address the issues associated with their feet?
Well done. You’re a hero.
Next? Respond only in grunts to everyone. Have a paper sign that says:
Only grunts till two cups in
Hold it up and grunt your greetings, approval or first quarter sales projections to your ‘team’.
At the next ‘team’ meeting, refrain from telling everyone that you would rather cover yourself with pickled herring than be with them right now.
Try to see something good in the people you are with. If that’s difficult, squint.
There’s likely something there. In your head do the following:
Think of something nice, something flattering and something you admire about that person.
Next, think of something that is uniquely stupid, irritating and or yucky about them. Try to see them in a crappy light.
Finally? Think of something nice, flattering, wonderful or admirable about them again.
This is the ‘shit sandwich compliment / criticism’ mental model. Use this to create round humans, not flat ones.
At lunch or on your break, run around your office, home office or shed pretending to be Paul Revere riding on a horse. Shout: “The British are coming” repeatedly.
Then shout: “The British are coming repeatedly”
See which statement attracts more attention.
After lunch, add long vowel sounds to your repertoire of grunting.
I suggest starting by replying “oooooooohhhhhhhh” to questions rather than the usual “Ummmmmmmmmmmm” The ‘o’ sound will make people think that you are more intelligent than you actually are.
Smile with satisfaction having tricked them all once again.
And, if facing another week of work causes this much dread and grunting, you might want to talk to someone. You know, a professional someone.
Like a pipe fitter.
Either that or find a new job.
It’s like the old saying goes: