on shopping for pants

and resisting the maul

How did it happen?

I woke up one morning and the pants that I wore as a therapist no longer fit.

The same pants that I used to wear as a tee vee host?

The still didn’t fit.

It was disturbing.

I’ve worn the same sized pants for about thirty years.

Now?

I can’t seem to get pants over my arse.

I went shopping yesterday. It was completely alienating.

One store I went to had pants that would look good on a golf course filled with octogenarians.

I don’t want pants like that.

The other store was filled with young people.

Those pants were completely wrong as well.

I must have spent half an hour at the mall looking at pants.

It was terrible. I wasted a half an hour of my life thinking about how to cover my arse.

Having said this, the pants that I used to wear, the pants that I loved, the pants that I had decided would be the one style to rule them all, the only pants that I would wear for the rest of my life?

Those pants?

They were put under unnecesary stress.

Bursting at the seams I was asking too much of t…