on my love of Rupert Holmes, double mustard
and bucking the trend of engineered living
How ‘trendy’ are you?
Trends are a funny thing.
Not funny in the ‘imalaffinsohardipeeinmepants’ kinda way but funny in the way they make me say hrm…
No. Trends don’t cause me to say “Halifax Regional Municipality” but more like the sound I make when I open my tax bill and wonder where the hell all of that money is going.
HRM…
One place the money goes is into the construction of bike lanes
Dear reader, given how much I’ve written here about riding bikes it would be easy for you to assume that I’m a fan of bike lanes.
That assumption would be wrong.
And dear reader, I know what you’re thinking, so much so I can almost hear your puzzled HRM? cascading through the interwebs of time and social Medea.
Bike lanes are not in and of themselves a trend but part of one.
And in my mind?
They have nothing to do with saving the polar bars from the penguins.
In reality, they’re part of a longer slower trend.
Which is remarkable insofar as they function to slow everyone down - including cycliists.
But let’s let the slow trend of the day simmer for a bit while I flash fry up some quicker trends.
We tend to notice the quicker trends. They’re the cultural equivalent of living in an appartment building with someone who cooks a lot of fish.
Or eats a lot of curry.
Or eats a lot of curry fish.
They are in the air - everywhere.
And it doesn’t matter if you keep your door and windows shut 24 - 7, the stench will eventually infiltrate your entire existence.
Quick trends?
You’ll find them on Twitler.
They’re the T-Moo clothes.
Marketers and businesses that sell shit we don’t need love quick trends. Quick trends are a great way to get humans to act quickly, often and impulsively.
Quick trends are cynical and cyclical.
Slow trends however?
They’re more nefarious.
Slow trends like bike lanes are anti human. They are there to restrict and control human behaviour.
When I ride my bike on the road with the cars, I have a lot of space. A lot of space gives me a lot of options that I can use at my discretion.
Here’s an example.
Zeke and I were on our way home from a ride boosting down North Street. Traffic was getting heavier and two dirty anarchists on bikes were likely the last thing most in that traffic line wanted to see.
They kept edging closer to the curb and gutter.
Zeke kept riding along that way and eventually had to boost up onto the sidewalk to avoid being stalled out by some frowny man who didn’t want to be passed.
Me?
Double mustard baby.
That’s right.
With every car edging to the right, they made room on the left, rooooom for me to zooooom right down the middle of the road.
There’s a glorious freedom that come from being in the middle of the road.
One?
People notice.
The best way not to get run over or crushed by a car is to be seen and nothing screams look at me quite like a helmetless middle aged man blasting down the road on a bike while belting out Escape by Rupert Holmes at the top of his lungs.
YES I LIKE PINA COLADAS AND GETTING CAUGHT IN THE RAIN IM NOT MUCH INTO HEALTH FOOD I AM INTO CHAMPAGNE!
There’s something else about being in the middle of the road.
I have options. I get to use my own discretion to protect myself from harm.
All of the threats come from the side of the road. Cars pulling out or turning right are far more likely to hit me than one turning left.
But the bike lane trend?
They want to ‘protect’ people.
And by ‘protect’, I mean that they want to remove choice, skill and discretion. In a bike lane when a car turns right slowly in front of me and blocks the lane, I can’t do a shoulder check then pass them on the left. Some fucking engineer has put fucking concrete blocks and green pickets in my way. Instead? I have one choice - grab the brakes hard and hope to God that I don’t end up on their engine bonnet.
The same issue arises when someone starts blindly edging into traffic. I have one option. Brake.
So, instead of working hard and having a nice fast ride these ‘safety lanes’ remove my choice, cater to the lowest common denominator and make me less safe.
This slow trend that I’m talking about doesn’t just show up with bike lanes.
Once upon a time, it took skill to wire up a string of potlights.
Now?
The engineers have removed the very little skill necessary and instead have crafted devices that are easier to put together than a box of craft dinner.
Sure they’ve done this in the name of ‘efficiency’.
And at the same time?
The ‘good ideas’ from the white collar office douche bags have removed the requirement for tradespeople to use skill, craft and their own discretion.
On on level it’s about efficiency.
On another?
It’s about class based contempt.
Now,
Please tell me again why populists are wrong and misguided in their hatred of elites?
And while you think on that dear reader, I’ve got to go ride my bike without a helmet on the double mustard.
YOU’RE THE LOVE THAT I’VE LOOKED FOR COME WITH ME AND ESCAPE!
