on getting noticed

and the efforts we make

When I was younger and single, I found approaching women to be a terrible ordeal. Lacking confidence, I would go to extreme lengths for just a little bit of attention.

I took classes, picked up hobbies and did all sorts of things to gain attention.

For attention though? I loooooved dancing. As a clown ‘dancing’ was a kind of odd, improvised slapstick that was entirely performative. I was funny and playful. I got a lot of attention for my efforts. I flailed around like a monkey being bitten by a goose riding on a chariot pulled by rats chasing an entitled hedgehog.

Despite my efforts and the attention they drew, I always went home alone.

Once, I even rode my bike for two and a half days, camping along side of the road to go and see someone. Once I arrived, she dumped me.

Most of my creative projects have gone this way.

Maximum input. Maximum effort.

All of my attention.

All of my mind.

All of my passion, my heart and good will.

All that stuff?

I used to bring all of it to everything.

There was a…