on driving my son to practice

with his new Ukrainian friend

There are a lot of Ukranians around these parts these days.

One family we met when my wife mistook their cat for a stray. After taking Rizik to the vet and having his testes removed, we found out that he was missed by an eight year old Ukranian girl.

We gave him back.

But only once we cut his balls off.

I had the pleasure of driving my son and his new Ukrainian friend to soccer last night.

Fedir, did he tell you about the Ukrainian cat we almost stole?

In a voice far too deep for such a goofy looking kid, Fedir told me that my son had not told him the story of the Ukrainian cat.

We saw this cat hanging around. We thought he was a stray. He seemed skinny, didn’t have a collar and his balls were still attached. We took him in, fed him, took him to the vet and had his balls cut off. He still doesn’t have a collar.

Fedir, and my son were laughing. Rather they were flinch laughing each and every time I used the phrase cut off his balls.

So, I continued, you, young Fedir should fear my wife. You are skinny and not wearing a collar. You had better stay away from my house. You know. To protect your balls.

Or watch out for his mom, she’s been known to mercilessly cut the balls of Ukrainian cats.

In fact, I continued, fear all Canadian women - lest they mistake you for a cat.

As I dropped them off I gave Fedir one final warning.

Laura will pick you two up after practice. Fedir? Be careful.

Imagine to his delight when it was me, not Laura picking them up after practice. I arrived ready to take the terrible joking further.

Fedir, my wife, she was blood thirsty. She was vicious. I wasn’t going to come and pick you up. It was going to be Laura but she had that wanting to ‘take someone to the vet’ look in her eye. I’m here to protect you.

Then I made a snipping gesture.

I think this was where I took the joke too far.

No it wasn’t.

I had one more chance to be absolutely absurd.

As he went to leave the car, I locked them and started to roll forward.

Fedir, where do you think you’re going? Didn’t I say don’t trust Canadian women. They’ll cut your balls off? Well, I work for one and…

Naw. I didn’t say that.

Instead I told him to have a good night and that it was nice to meet him.

But my god that would have been a good joke.

Regret’s a hell of a thing eh?

Few things are worse to a fool than thinking of the punch line ten minutes too late.

It could be worse.

I could be a Ukrainian cat.