on being bad

and Ukrainian cats

My wife scares me.

Today, she told me that she was bad.

As she did?

She made a gesture with her hands as though they were guns shooting at me.

She may have even added in a little pew pew! sound to let me know she was shooting me.

She reminded me of Shooter McGavin but in lady form.

She won’t beat you at golf, but if you’re a Ukrainian cat named Rizik, she’ll cut off your balls and rename you Freddy.

She kept walking around and saying I’m bad while striking poses and making gestures.

They scared me.

Not because she was actually scary.

She was completely foolish.

Most of all though?

Her pertending to be scary was cute.

In fact?

She was so cute it hurt.

So if you want people to think you’re cute?

Pretend to be bad.

Make gestures like Shooter McGavin

But if you’re a Ukrainian cat?

Take her seriously if you value your family jewels.