METALLICA and the Monkeys

Sleepy Jean's off to never never land

Jimmy? Jimmy! Think fast!

The chalk hit me just as Mr. Gillis said me to think fast. The class laughed as he sucked his teeth chuckling.

Cheer up creepy Jean. This is no place to day dream.

Daydream? Gillis’ class was a nightmare - more of an Enter Sandman experience.

So odd eh?

Day dreams ?

Usually pleasant.

I’ve never day dreamed about nuclear war.

I’ve never day dreamed about being panicked and late for work.

Hell, I’ve never day dreamed about showing up late for work naked.

I knew I was forgetting something.

And that something was pants.

A regular nightmare was showing up late for work with no pants on.

No underpants either.

Nor a skirt nor sari.

Just a long t-shirt and me looking like a bell with a very skinny clapper.

Night time though? That’s when the night mares go riding.

Aside from dreams of nuclear war or moving a beach one grain of sand at a time using chopsticks, most of my most terrible nightmares involve encounters without pants.

For some, falling is a nightmare.

For others, their biggest fear is speaking in public.

They tell ya: Imagine the audience is naked.

They think this is a way to help people get over their fear. This doesn’t work - at least not for me. If I were to start imagining a crowd that I was speaking to were naked, I’d be told to stay away from playgrounds. I performed in elementary schools. Telling a guy who does kids shows to imagine the audience as naked is really really bad advice.

Even with adults, imagining them naked would have problems.

My imagination is a powerful thing. I’d get curious then creative. I’d start seeing odd shaped moles in very shady places. And the hair? Oh the hair I’d imagine would do little to sooth my nerves.

Instead of imaging the audience as naked, imagine that you’re naked and that that everyone watching sees you.

Imagine that they are judging your moles, your body hairs and your dirty little clogged pores resulting in a massive whitehead on your forehead.

Why would you do this?

Because they are.

Every time you take the stage to speak - whether it’s at the front of a classroom or on a zoom call, people are judging you. They see every screw up, every hair, every blemish.

It’s ok. They have them too.

The blemishes that is.

Because the audience, the the observers who hold you with their gaze,

They’re naked under all them clothes.

And if that doesn’t work, just show up to speak naked.

Unless of course you’re performing in elementary schools.

That’s the kind of nightmare that nobody wants to experience.