make gloff great again

in praise of violence in sport

Online message boards, the first social media are a lot like gloff.

They have rules.

A typical rule of most: Don’t derail a thread with bullshit.

When it comes to that rule, few break it with such vigor as I.

What follows is typical of this fool

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A Canadian just won the Canadian Open of Gloff.

That was a bit interesting to watch.

I watched it with my family.

It was my dad’s birthday.

He loves gloff. He’s been a gloffer his whole life.

Watching the Canadian with the Canadian Open for the first time since before Elvis and the Beatles and the invention of the wheel and such was pretty fun.

It became much more exciting when someone, (also Canadian and his bud) was tackled by security (still another Canadian) while attempting to soak his bud [the winner guy] with champagne.

That was the best part - watching his buddy get tackled.

Finally, something about gloff that I can appreciate.

A single tackle made gloff interesting.

So many more sports could be made better with violence.

Take baseball for example. Given that most fans are armed better than your typical Ukrainian soldier we could capitalize on their weaponry.

Have fans from either team sit on opposite sides of the stadium.

When a ball is hit, the fans should be able to treat it like a clay pigeon.

We could combine skeet shooting with baseball games.

Sure there would be collateral damage.

But most folks in ‘merica don’t seem to really mind that much.

Hockey would be an easy fix: Ditch the instigator rule. Bring back enforcers and play Jr Games vs the Russians in the dark.

(given the current situation with Russia, watching the punch up in Piestany is so much more rewarding. The Russians had their arses kicked on the score sheet and their faces caved in on the ice)

American style football? That would be easy to increase the level of violence. Get rid of all of the gear and the stoppages in play. Essentially turn it back into rugby. Make the Patriots play New Zealand and let the crows feed on their corpses.

Beside randomly exploding golf balls, tackling players on the green seems like a good start.

I wish that I could like golf. 

My Dad loves golf.

My dad ran into burning buildings for a living. 

That’s a tough job. 

He’s a really caring guy. 

He wanted to help. 

He figured I needed to find some friends. 

We were not rich. 

But “Goin’ golf in’ and meeting the right bunch of guys..” was pushed. 

I couldn’t get other kids to play with me. My folks didn’t understand.

They cared, but didn’t really get it.

I was am and will forever be a weirdo. It’s how I’m wired. Kids knew this. I knew this. I knew this but didn’t really ‘get it’.

Golf courses and the kids there were not a good match. 

I belonged elsewhere. 

It was more fun elsewhere.

Golf was heavy on dress codes. 

Heavy on fitting in. 

Heavy on old heavy men wearing some of the most outrageous polyester imaginable.

¹

Worse yet?

Golf lacked adequate adrenaline. 

I had other ideas…

I spent a lot of time getting chased by the cops. 

Well…

rent-a-cops.

Back then skateboarding was illegal in my town.

A big part of the adrenaline in skateboarding came from running from and mocking security guards. 

“stop or I’ll say stop again.” they’d shout while spilling their coffee all over their Tim bits. 

Now there are cameras everywhere. You can’t get away with shit. 

Now the kids focus on riding their skateboards, not developing the essential skills of defying authority.

I guess that’s what I love about the woods so much. Not a lot of authority in the woods. Not a lot of cameras either. 

Trail cameras? 

Sure. 

There are some cameras.

I think it’s just a matter of density. 

You can get away with a lot more in the woods than you can on any typical street corner.

Not that I’m trying to get away with anything.

I just like having the option.

As for skateboarding?

These days they have parks. 

Are there groups, tee times, rules and codes?

Has skateboarding become golf?

No idea. 

My kids ride horses. 

It’s where we hangout .

Lately?

I want to spend more time with my dad and mom. 

Perhaps I should take up golf.

I hear there are pretty nice folks at the golf course?

So I now must switch my relationship status with golf to “it’s complicated”

One question remains, If I do play, can I tackle people?

1. And I was the weirdo? All that dude is missing is a clown nose.