labeling the human condition
not fit for consumption
Do you notice labels?
People like reading them.
Some look for ingredients they can pronounce.
Others look for ‘Made in Canada.’
Me?
I like finding labels with weird, improbable shit written on them.
Today I found a great one on a bag of comfy cozy wood pellets. A quick aside dear reader, if you are love cats, wood pellets make for a fantastic medium for them to pis and shit in.
Did you catch what I caught there.
No,
They don’t warn. against using this product for a feline lavatory.
Instead?
They point out a small detail that most would consider pretty obvious - fuel wood pellets are not for human consumption.
Of course not - what do you think you are, a wood stove?
Sure, I like someone with a bit of ‘fire in their belly’ as much as the next dude, but a twenty kilo bag of pellets like that would likely create some pretty dangerous conditions in your gut.
Smokey the bear would not approve.
Dear reader, if you were to dine on would pellets, how would you approach the task?
Me?
I’d likely serve thm with kimchi to add flavour and their probiotic action.
Given the opportunity to dine on cozy comfort in the cozy comfort of your own home, I’d suggest that you avoid it dear reader - not because of what’s written on the label but because of how I imagine such a diet of ‘fibrous roughage’ would impact your intestines.
But the weirdest, most improbable shit often doesn't come with a label. There is no "not for human consumption" warning for the desperate times. Like I once met a man who was so poor growing up that his mother used to feed them candle wax in order to make the kids feel full.
His son played soccer with mine. He was a roofer who spent time in prison.
Drugs mostly. Nothing violent.
He was a really nice guy - so much so I was too ashamed to ask me more about eating candle wax.
I’ve spent a lot of time imagining what I wanted to say:
Did she serve them with sauce?
How did they taste?
What was it like to poop them out?
If you lay on your belly and shit a candle, might someone mistake you for a birthday cake and start blowing smoke up your ass?
It’s a shame that I’m no longer in touch with him because inquiring minds, and remarkable fools want to know.
Maybe the real warning labels aren't for what's inside the bag, but should be for doing that whole human thing itself.
Those labels? They're never printed.