keeping the blinds drawn closed
a riff on emerging
I’ve been inside with the blinds drawn closed for quite a while. I’d like to blame it on the pandemic, but it started long before that.
I’d like to blame it on the minions in schools who liked more when I was quite, small, compliant, ‘reasonable’ (meaning I wouldn’t question their reasons), colourless, taking up little space and all in all non threatening.
This is not me in my natural habitat.
But over time, the system, the judgements, the shame slinging slowly wore down my spirit..
When I was young, I delighted in the light.
I wanted to be seen. I wanted to be heard.
I wanted to go out and see.
I wanted to go out and hear.
I gobbled everything up!
When the question was ‘what do you want’, the only answer I had was:
More.
I am clown, feed me more!
MOOOOAAAARRRRR!
More experience, understanding, sensation, pleasure, pain!
all of it!
MOOOOOOOAAAARRRRR!
But the schools demanded
Reflection.
Hesitation.
Impacts on others.
Lots of listening.
Lots of growth.
Lots of making space for other people.
It was a good thing to try for a while.
Lots of hiding out.
Lying low.
Staying in a small, running with a small pack, making certain that I was surrounded by tall nails.
But ya know what?
That phase is over.
The critics are easy to silence:
Take a finger, put it in each ear. Walk away.
Love the people who love you.
Fuck the fucking fuckers.
I’ve always been a tall nail.
I know how to take a hit.
I am colourful.
I am loud.
I’m a ‘front of the room’ kinda guy.
If there’s a stage and people are facing it, my place is on it.
The ‘in the audience space’? That’s for someone else.
Actors learn to ‘find the light’. Those are the spots where the powerful stage lights help you become seen in all of your glory. We know how to find it by feel. It’s hot. I love the heat of the spotlight.
The sun is shining.
The waves are out there.
The trails are calling.
If you’re in the north, summer is coming.
It’s time.
Raise the blinds.
Shake off the dust.
Open the door.
Shout, such that the neighbours feel uneasy.
Go.
In your own way, find the light.
Play.
There's pain here. Being forced to conform and comply. I have always wondered how we could do things differently in the process of teaching young people. Our current proccess reeks of order and efficiency. People aren't sausages. They should not be forced into casings and we should see how they are made. I think a natural process is a lot messier and more difficult to manage. Perhaps if we treated children more like thoroughbred horses and less like sausages, we would have fewer anxious and depressed adults.