Jedi arse surgery
and a quest for quiet comfort
Hello dear reader,
Lately, the days have been long.
I’ve not had a lot in the tank.
Today was 12 hours in the truck.
And riding twelve hours in this truck - with its leaf springs and my fold down seat?
My god, my arse hurts.
I mean, like ow!
This week? The days have been long - ten hours or more.
And with frost and snow? The roads are not getting any more smooth.
So this week I brought the most unfuckingbelievieblygood pillow ever.
And it’s been a life saver.
But, despite this lifesaving technology - ‘the pillow’,
My arse is still really sore.
So today, I stated googling.
This is easy to do these days. Having become one of those people with a driver, carting them around all day.
An aside dear reader:
My driver, Ricky is from Wales, or Scotland or Ireland or some, you know, over there, those people who really resent the English.
So with Ricky, I’ve taken to speaking with a terrible English accent and calling him ‘Jeves’ and ask him to say something in that funny language your people used to speak.
I am certain that Ricky finds this to be the peak of both wit and charm.
I was googling because somehow during our travels the phrase laser hemorrhoid removal was uttered, as it does with two stinky men cascading around the countryside in the dark.
My search question?
Is laser hemorrhoid therapy a ‘thing’?
From what I could gather from skimming a few webpages, yes, dear reader, laser hemorrhoid therapy is a ‘thing’. One article stated that it was a ‘minimally invasive treatment’.
Minimally invasive?
Any invasive is, far too invasive.
Has anyone had it?
If you haven’t, please imagine: You’re lying face down with your ass in the air and completely drugged out.
And all you’re doing is hoping that this doctor is a cute, charming lady with small small fingers.
Imagine what’ it’s like, getting in there, spreading open the butt cheeks, it’s like you’re drawing open vertical blinds, only you’re parting butt cheeks and you’re on the verge of turning an exit into an entrance.
And they’re spreading your butt cheeks open and they say, get the laser
Because it’s LAZER SURGERY they roll up with the entire friggin’ Death Star from Star Wars.
You know that big planet thing with the really big lazer that blows up whole planets.
And they’re calling it ‘non invasive’?
Laser hemorrhoid removal is dangerous!
But you know the crazy thing?
The laser in laser hemorrhoid removal needs to be accurate, otherwise you’d have teams of storm troopers down there with their blasters, they’d cause too much damage to the rest of your internal organs.
Though if storm troopers performed laser hemorrhoid procedures it would bring new meaning to the old pew pew sound that their blasters make…
Really though? They likely mean that the lasers that they’re using are lightsabers.
But even then?
Those aren’t lasers,
But I guess dear reader, we likely tell people that they are lasers because that is easier than explaining that no a lightsaber is not a laser. It’s really powered by magical crystals.
Right?
Just say it’s a ‘laser’ doing ‘laser surgery’ and it’s all ok and science stuff.
So now?
Now you know dear reader, that there are Jedi among us.
And if you need to find a Jedi knight, go get yer arse grapes removed.
Oh my, dear reader, I seemed to have wandered off and got lost.
Which is why dear reader, it is very convenient to have a professional driver at your daily disposal.
Beep beep!
