Alo dear reader!
I’m writing to let you know that I won’t be writing to you today.
I’ve been preparing to ride another 100 mile ride in the morning and I do not have time to write.
Intead?
Let me entertain you with some random facts that I remember from Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader.
You know - the greatest series of books ever written.
I’d actually call the Bathroom reader the greatest book ever written but given the fact that it’s come out every year for almost four decades with multiple special editions and compilations, I can’t just pick one.
That’s kinda like picking out which is your favorite bike.
Or surfboard.
Or child.
Though if you do intend to ride a child, make sure that the saddle fits properly.
Regardless, here are some great facts from Uncle John
The first nation to declare war against Japan after the bombing of Pearl Harbour was not ‘Merica. It was Canada.
Elephants are the only mammal that can’t jump.
Cats can make over 100 different vocalizations while dogs can only make 10
The longest war in history was between the Netherlands and the Isles of Scilly, lasting 335 years (1651-1986) with no shots fired.
Albinism can be diagnosed in trees
There.
Feeling better?
Nothing like a bit of ‘random trivia to cheer you up eh?
The Bathroom Reader is the most important book ever.
Why?
Because it lives in the bathroom.
Who here has spent hours on the shitter, firstly because the bathroom reader was just so damn engaging you’d find that an hour would go by and you had to just read one more page.
All of this despite the fact that your asshole was sagging so low that your dusty rose pucker cup was ready to kiss the swamp water in the bowl.
For me, and for others I know, The Bathroom Reader was how we survived our families. Go to a private place where no one could. bug you. Lock the door then get lost in trivialities.
It’s a trusted friend there to inform, delight and spark curiosity. No one ever comes away from a bathroom reader session feeling judged or inferior. When I read it, I feel better somehow.
I let a load off and feel great relief while at the same time getting a little more informed. What a formula for success. Knowing that the bathroom reader was waiting for me with a piss splattered cover beside the bowl, I had to keep coming back.
Best of all? It was a great way to escape family meals. To this day I can’t sit still nor manage the multiple conversations of a big dinner.
Instead?
I spend most family meals with Uncle John, sitting on the shitter.
You could say that most everything important that I know about life I learned from Uncle John.
Sure, it’s trivial.
That’s the fucking point dickweed.
That’s all life is - random trivia.
You don’t matter.
I don’t matter.
And when you consider the age of the universe and our scrawny existence, it won’t be long before all of the matter that’s part of us will be fused with a sun or collapsed into the arse end of a black hole.
Our existence is absurd.
Embracing Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader as a source of wisdom and comfort is a great way to lean into this absurdity.
The idea of ‘meaning’ is idiotic when you consider just how infinitesimally small and insignificant we are is about as funny as considering the feelings of a tree just diagnosed with albinism.
Could you imagine the scenario: What will we tell the acorns darling?
Tragic really.
