i call this one 'the squishy brittany'

oops! i did it again!

I have a question for you. And this is a question just for you, to ask yourself.

Think clearly before you answer this. Metaphors can be your friend but plumbing your personal knowledge of the concrete, mushy reality of this nearly universal human experience.

Ask yourself, right now: When did I last shit my pants?

Decades?

Years?

Months?

Weeks?

Days?

Hours?

Minutes?

Minutes? Minutes.

As I record this message, voice to text, I am recovering of having only moments ago, once again, shit my pants.

I felt gas. I wanted to release this gas.

My life had begun to feel like an endless cascading series of problems humiliations and things to be ashamed.

Something was really wrong.

I needed relief

Sadly, the action required was different than the one I took.

I was fundamentally incorrect, flawed in my judgement.

Luckily, I discovered this fact far away from the crowd.

Unluckily, I discovered this far from home.

I found myself a place among some freshly grown moss where I put the old ‘pocket napkins’ to good use.

Sadly, my underpants were beyond saving.

They now live in a tree, flying like a flag, a black flag. This black flag of anarchism calls out to passers by: Watch your step, there’s man turds nearby.

Oh I felt pure humiliation. I had it in my head that once I returned home everyone that I past would knew. I didn’t tell anyone. No one knew up until now. And? I believed that everyone would know what I’d done.

No one had a clue.

No one would have known if I had merely done the deed, cleaned myself then gone about the day.

People, when they do this themselves, frequently experience a similar terror.

The funny thing is no one would know - unless you’re one of those people like me who are guilty of oversharing.

Sometimes this sort of thing happens and the only person who makes a big deal about it is you.

Get yourself cleaned up and move on. Don’t get too proud though, don’t get too cocky. One day soon you are going to make another mistake. You’ll end up forcing something in a way that’s ugly and unpleasant.

When have you last shit your pants?