If you’ve ever hosted a child’s party you’ve faced this conundrum: what to do with the balloons?
Fully inflated balloons take up a lot of space.
After a kids party, you home is no your home until the balloons are gone.
HOW COULD IT BE! THE BALLOONS LIVE THERE MEOW!
Popping balloons can shock, startle and generally scare the cats and dogs in the house.
Actually, anyone who encounters the loud, acute explosion from a popped balloon can attest to the fact that the sudden interruption may result in loss of breath, slight urination and in the worst cases, self soiling through defecation.
Given that I would like to keep the arseholes of the world a little more clean, I’ve determined the best way to deflate a balloon.
Don’t do it right away.
Sure, you could just leave the balloons and forget about them infinitely. In that situation you’d eventually end up with a bunch of sad and saggy balloons that would resemble the breasts of well endowed braless women in their eighties.
Yes. I went there.
See the wrinkles, the odd coloured and misshaped nipples.
You’re welcome.
Without being gender biased, one might say that the better resemble the sad, flascid, useless nutsacks of cranky old men - their odd elephant eared wrinkles clad in whisps of grey dust bunnies - like the kind you’d find in a house with wood floors and a lot of cats…
Did that image just appear before your eyes?
You are welcome.
But to pop a balloon without causing a commotion, your first action should be to place it in the freezer. Leave your balloons in the freezer over night. They’ll cool down. The hot air will contract.
The next day?
Take your balloons out. Pierce them with a pin then watch them slowly deflate. No muss, no fuss and not balloon shards hiding under a chair, waiting to be eaten by a cat and cause a 2.5k trip the the emergency vet…
There will be times when you have to pop human balloons. You’ll have to say something piercing and deflating in order to have more room.
If you pop them when they’re fresh, they’ll explode with a startling force, leaving bits of themselves scattered everywhere leaving you to clean them up lest you don’t want another more painful set of circumstances due to the waste they leave behind.
Instead, let the balloons cool. In doing so they will fade. Perhaps they won’t look like the saggy, lint covered testicles of an old man, but when you pierce them with a prick (as a prick? like a prick?) they will slowly, quietly sag and void themselves.
So, if you need to pop an ego, let it cool for a while then giggle as the pathetic little thing slips away into obscurity.