how to pop balloons

without killing the cat

If you’ve ever hosted a child’s party you’ve faced this conundrum: what to do with the balloons?

Fully inflated balloons take up a lot of space.

After a kids party, you home is no your home until the balloons are gone.

HOW COULD IT BE! THE BALLOONS LIVE THERE MEOW!

Popping balloons can shock, startle and generally scare the cats and dogs in the house.

Actually, anyone who encounters the loud, acute explosion from a popped balloon can attest to the fact that the sudden interruption may result in loss of breath, slight urination and in the worst cases, self soiling through defecation.

Given that I would like to keep the arseholes of the world a little more clean, I’ve determined the best way to deflate a balloon.

Don’t do it right away.

Sure, you could just leave the balloons and forget about them infinitely. In that situation you’d eventually end up with a bunch of sad and saggy balloons that would resemble the breasts of well endowed braless women in their eighties.

Yes. I went there.

See the…