how to lose your moustache

and come to your testes

It’s been hectic lately dear reader.

I’ve had to do a thing or two that under normal circumstances required me to have a bit more gravatas, a bit more authority - in reality?

I needed to have a bit more of a moustashe.

And yet?

There wasn’t one.

Oh sure, I had a strained upper lip. Neither stiff nor shrouded in hair it was like the little moustache that could. It was chuggin up to my nose panting I think I can… I think I can… I think I can…

But still?

It couldn’t.

I mean, if my power were derived from my moustache, and the hair just wasn’t there, what was I supposed to do?

Take for example a recent occurrence.

A working dude was being pretty darn shitty to the seventeen year old boy we had working the door one day.

He wanted to park.

But he was asking to park on land that we didn’t control.

The young man was handling himself well, being polite to this increasingly irate man twice his age.

But when the dude got belligerent and started raising his voice at one of my guys?

It was time for my moustache to leap into action.

Only there was a problem. My lip was bare. I was like batman without his utility belt, Spiderman without his suit or The Doctor without his sonic screwdriver.

I had no support.

Instead?

I put my finger below my nose and pretended to have a moustashe.

I told the pushy prick where to go - go speak with the people who booked you to work in this are.

And then I told him how to get there.

His face turned three colours of purple.

Apparently he didn’t like being spoken to the same way he spoke to my young friend managing the front of house.

Some may have said that I was being rude.

In fact?

I merely mirrored his way of being in the world.

I met him with the same energy he was putting out.

And I did it without a moustache!

I did however hold onto my dick as I sat there with my finger below my nose.

That poor man, I felt sorry for him.

He was slapped down and sent away by a man with a false moustache who was touching himself.

You see dear reader, my moustache is the source of all of my confidence.

Without it, I was nothing.

But when faced with a task that required a moustache, I just faked it while holding onto something precious to me.

So if you ever need a moustache, and you don’t have one, hold onto your cock and you’ll find that you’ve got the balls to handle any situation.

Stay dirty my fiends.