How to be more inclusive?
stop listening to the snobs
Handy balked at hanging out. He didn’t like some of my CD’s.
It was 1992. I was playing Pearl Jam’s album ‘10’.
Handy kept rolling his eyes.
Pearl Jam were not cool enough for Handy. They were ‘too’. for him.
Either that or ‘not enough’.
Whatever the case was, I quietly took my cues from him and the other insecure eye rolling domineering trendies who were the self appointed lords of the local music scene.
Not only was my neurologically diverse behaviour uncomfortable and problematic for Andy, now the music that I enjoyed wasn’t good enough either.
It was pretty painful having my taste questioned. It was as though I was unacceptable as a person if I committed the sin of liking something popular in the mainstream.
I quickly fell in line. Despite liking certain music, I quickly sold those CD’s for what ever musicians were the darlings of the university radio set back in the day.
I learned to like the right things and think the right thoughts in order to belong.
I did a really shit job of it too.
The more I tried to fit in or to do the things that could help me be with the cool kids, it was never enough. I was never enough.
When we give other people had the power to determine what ‘should’ be liked or what ‘should’ be thought or what ‘should’ be believed, we are betraying ourselves. We assume a role in a status dynamic that puts them at the top.
Eventually I stopped going to live music shows. I spent so much time standing in a crowded smokey bar getting a sore back, strained neck and stepped on toes while watching some skinny twits stare at their shoes, that if I go see another rock band ever again it will be too soon. Unless it’s jazz in a small club, I hate live music. I’m jaded from exposure. There was a long period where ‘indie rock’ performers, with arrogant false modesty had all the chemistry and charisma of an assembly of dead rats.
These days, if I’m out supporting live talent, it’s a stand up comedian, not some musician.
Here’s a shameful twist.
When I first spent the night at Laura’s, I went through her CD collection. It wasn’t cool enough for what I had become. I rolled my eyes at many of the artists she loved. Luckily for me, she liked me more and endured my snobbery.
I didn’t get off that easily though. She thought I was cute, but told me if her record collection was a reason that I’d dump her early on, she would be just fine.
Our different likes became merely who we were. I liked ‘jangly’ music.
She liked ‘jumbly’ music.
That was that. We moved on.
People who set trends are no better. They are not cooler. They only get high status if we give it to them.
The value they assume in being an early adopter / setter of tastes is a false one.
You too can do the same.
You have preferences, likes and beliefs.
You have a voice.
You are entitled to like the things you like.
And?
If we can just lighten up, back the hell of and find ways to not weaponize our tastes in an ugly status game? We’ll all be better off for it.
It’s like the old saying goes:
When in Rome, make sure you try the Italian food.
It’s amazing to me how much I used to care what people thought of my likes and dislikes compared to how much I don’t care now. In retrospect it was actually holding me back in a lot of ways. I guess it finally feels good to just be myself and keep “finding” myself without worrying that it might not look cool to someone else. Their judgment says more about them than me. And I’m here mainly to impress just myself now. You have to laugh at them ;) and carry on.
"People who set trends are no better. They are not cooler. They only get high status if we give it to them."
Locus of control is how I know this. Do we have our focus of attention within or outside of ourselves?
I never gave a care about the cool kids. I hung out with a few before they became cool. Once they became cool, they became rather fake and full of themselves. I stopped hanging out with them, or maybe they stopped hanging out with me. I remember not being interested in being their audience. They became aware of themselves, started to interact as a performance and well, I didn't buy a ticket to a show. I wanted to experience things with someone, not be a recipient of their presence. I don't do fake.
"Recipient of their presence". That's how I feel when I am near my children. The door opens and my favourite people hit the stage. Except, they say, "Hi Mom" or "What's for dinner?" and inside, I swoon. They saw me. I long to be asked to hang out and listen to a new band they have discovered. My son chastised my YouTube music last evening that I had on for noise as I worked. He walked around my desk, had me open up my Spotify, and he set up an album for me to enjoy. I didn't enjoy it. But I listened to it twice because I wanted to be able to talk to one of the cool kids in my house and hang out. It's still primed for later today. Maybe it will grow on me.
I hope you repurchased your favourite music over the years.