gaslit, ghosted and heartbroken (we didn't ask for this)

on divorcing the delusional turnip

Another Friday, another lunch with my Dad.

I really enjoy our time together.

This week the stories weren’t focused on the past.

Though we did see some of the old timers from the North End, our conversations were focused on the new, the now and the future.

We got a new car Jimmy. We were going to wait till November but your mom and I were worried that the prices were going to go up.

This checks out. If you have the money, it likely isn’t a good idea to wait.

This one was made in Japan. The one I really wanted - the hybrid? It was manufactured in Alabama. No way I’m buying a car made by those redneck Trunip supporters. Make ‘Merica Maggots Again.

I laughed. We continued to take the piss out of ‘Mercia.

He says we’re ripping them off? If you exclude energy we buy more from them than they do from us. My dad just shook his head.

He’s delusional son. And a liar. Could you imagine living with delusional liar like that? He actually believes that tariffs could magically replace income tax without it costing ‘Mericans a penny?

That’s about as silly as the idea that Mexico will not only build a wall but they’ll pay for it too…

How could so many be duped by someone so thick? I hate the term ‘gaslighting’ but holy crap, if the shoe fits, throw it at someone.

My dear ‘Merican readers, however offensive I’m about to be here when writing about your country, please understand that I am sorry. I am sorry that your leader dumped us.

Though all the signs were there - the speeches, the taunting, the disrespect, we didn’t see it coming.

I know it’s not you.

I know it’s not me.

And it’s pretty fucking brutal having the floor yanked out from under us like this.

This is an acrimonious divorce and we Canucks are setting boundaries.

I welcome them here, I said. I have no problems with any ‘Merican who wants to spend their powerful greenbucks in Canada. I’m never going there again though. It’s a shame. I would have loved to have shown my daughter Manhattan.

I’d like to make an argument for going there. I love NYC a little too much. Manhattan, according to Spalding Grey is an island off the coast of ‘Merica. But when it comes to our relationship with ‘Merica, that ship has sailed. We’re moving on.

That’s right son. The threat to make us the 51st state? That goes too far. They might as well take a big crap, wipe their arses with our flag, burn it then tell us how much we should appreciate everything they’ve done for us.

My dad was right.

This is a divorce and a messy one.

They dumped us and expect that we’re not going to lawyer up and try to take them for every penny? My dad laughed ruefully.

That’s not going to happen, I continued. I’m that psycho girlfriend / ex wife / ex lover who goes into her man’s sports memorabilia collection and lights all of his most prized and autographed possessions on fire. If I had the chance I’d take a shit on the front seat of ‘Merica’s pick-up just to drive the point home.

I’d like to say that It’s not personal. I’d like to say that I want to soften and be Canadian and apologize for sounding so mean, so inflammatory - so damn American.

But I can’t.

We’ve been dumped.

There is some good that’ll come of it Jimmy. We can celebrate Canada Day without a bunch of socialists nagging us about our ‘shameful colonial past’.

That’s no small win. That’s a biggie.

It’s great that it’s fashionable to be proud to be Canadian again.

Even better? That turnip has made the people of Quebek proud to be Canadian as well - or at least value their place within the country more.

This is a feat never before accomplished by any Canadian politician.

Like a women in her 40’s who was traded in for a younger model, we’ll be stronger on the other side of this whole fiasco.

But at the same time Jimmy, after the divorce, we’re not going to bother visiting the inlaws any more.

They’re welcome to come visit us here.

And my dear ‘Merican friends, we will always welcome you as they did in during 911 as portrayed in the hit Come from Away. You are still family after all.

But as long as I live and breath, I plan to never set foot in ‘Merica again.

And if you’re a proud Canadian, I hope you share this sentiment.

Buy Canadian eh?