from shoulder pops to bowling ball socks
my utterly unsafe guide to helping the youth navigate the world
Pearson International was overrun by zombies.
No, they weren’t looking for brains.
They were searching for places to plug in, charge up and disengage from reality.
A technological plague has swept the earth.
In the early days, way back in the way backs?
I attempted to fight back. It wasn’t a fight so much as a very special ‘game’.
The fact that this game even exists is a sure sign that we’ve all lost somehow.
You see there are creatures called Me lennials.
I don’t’ blame them so much as pity them.
These Me lennials were among the first humans to become addicted to their screens. For them, the reality of buildings, other humans or the constant, menacing presence of vehicular traffic was of no interest or import to them.
They had texts to respond to, games of snake to be played.
Their screen blinded shuffling has slowly taken over the world. Where people used to walk and look around, they now face time with their chubby auntie in Stockholm. Once upon a time people would check each other out and maybe even flirt a bit. Now? They’re swiping right as they walk unaware that they are about to be sideswiped.
Sidewalks and shopping malls are filled with people who are living more virtually than in reality.
But for a troll?
This has created an excellent opportunity for playful destruction.
Dear reader, would you like to know about an absolutely naughty game that should be played by no one, ever and yet could be imagined as incredibly therapeutic?
It’s a kind of kinetic therapy for the digitally dependant, a way of recalibrating proprioception for a screen obsessed world.
Think of it as a game version of the movie “Falling Down” but for a post individual responsibility digital age.
I call it: KEEP YOUR HEAD UP KID.
It’s simple really. Anyone can play.
Walk around any urban area.
When you see a young person looking at their phone as they walk, do not get out of their way. Instead, pretend to look at your own phone. At the last minute, lower your phone and pop your shoulder and knock them flat on their arse.
You’ll delight in the transition from the glowing screen to the hard reality of a shoulder that is instantaneous, resulting in a majestic flicker of shock across their features.
It’s delicious.
Then?
As you swagger past them call back over your shoulder
KEEP YOUR HEAD UP KID.
A mere hit is worth ten points.
You can earn an additional 25 for an elbow, 50 for a knockdown.
This isn’t violence. This is a simple cranial sacral adjustment where you get to help folks realign their focus with the real, concrete world.
And, if they have a selfish stick and are filming a tickity tock?
That will score you an additional 100 points.
The fun doesn’t end there. There are bonus points to be won.
Knock all of their things flying in every direction? That’s a yard sale. Collect a bonus fifty points.
This isn’t physical assault, it’s an intervention. Think of it as an impromptu Marie Kondo moment. Do I love this phone or - BOOM!
Such fun!
PRO TIP: Get a boxing glove, stuff it with a horse shoe, hide that on a spring in your jacket. When you make contact, the spring mounted boxing glove is activated onto the offending Millenial’s chin knocking them out cold. This is a sure fire tactic for collecting a Yard Sale Bonus.
Delight at the sights and sounds of birds, bells and stars that circle their heads.
And if they whine and complain about how life’s been unfair to them and they deserve to be protected?
Another fifty points.
The most satisfying moment is imagining the sound of sad trombones whomp whomping as they wilt onto the ground
PRO TIP: When the complainers ask you to protect them from themselves, hit them with a giant wooden mallet that pops inspector gadget style out of your shoulder. You’ll have them knocked out colder than an iced tofu salad.
Now, dear reader, you might be thinking, Jesus Jimmy, how can I have such fun without risking being taken to task or this darn thing turning into a fist fight?
Good question.
And for that question I have a one word answers.
Explosives.
Simply equip yourself with a 1980’s style suit - you know the ones with the massive shoulder pads?
Well, put explosives in those shoulder pads, then BOOM -weiner weiner chicken deiner.
Yes, I know there could be some blow back onto you. That’s why you need to go for the Don Johnson look - pop your collar for protection.
I don’t know what happened to the world.
At some point we stopped giving kids latch keys and started wrapping them in bubbles.
When we did that, it seems like we created a generation of people who think that their safety - whether emotional or physical - is up to other people.
This game doesn’t really hurt that much. It’s more about the interruption. The initial shock is merely the catalyst, the necessary jolt to reawaken their dulled senses and reunite digital zombies with the real world
As someone who loves a great game of KEEP YOUR HEAD UP KID, I am truly grateful.
So, if you’re a young parent raising a child, be sure to protect them from all distress. Make their lives as easy as possible. Insert yourself in their disputes. Protect them from all harm.
Then?
Send them out into the world for me to knock them square on their arses.
KEEP YOUR HEAD UP KID
I have a bowling ball in a sock waiting just for them.
