From potlucks to prisons

Canada’s war on veggiephobia

I’m worried, dear reader, very worried.

It seems that here in Canada, they’re cracking down on ‘hate speech’.

And recently?

I misspoke.

I expressed a VERY STRONG opinion about

Vegetables.

In fact,

I went so far as to say ON RECORD that a tomato is in fact a FRUIT no matter what it thinks of itself.

Now, I know that many tomatoes in fact identify as vegetables.

That’s fine.

But at the grocery store?

Biology matters.

I expect to see them next to the apples and pears - not masquerading around with the kale and carrots.

Who do these tomatoes think they are?

Would someone think of the children?

And that’s another problem, the little baby cherry tomatoes get placed next to the beefsteak tomatoes right there, on the shelf next to the eggplants.

It’s a travesty, dear reader, absolutely disgusting.

But that was just the beginning.

I went to a potluck.

I KNOW - TWO IN LESS THAN A DECADE!

There was a vegan there.

They had soy paste that identified as meat.

I told them they were crazy.

Don’t gaslight me they said.

You annihilate me by denying my reality! What about my lived experience?

They were a bit hysterical.

Then?

Then the problems really began.

Here, try my tahini baked brussel sprouts, they insisted.

My reply?

I hate brussel sprouts!

Then?

Quicker than you can say from the river to the sea, I was carted away, locked up and fined thousands of dollars for hate speech.

It’s ok though.

The Bright Lights Rights Tribunal gave me a stern talking-to—

Apparently, “veggiephobia” is now a hate crime.

My punishment?

Mandatory empathy sessions with a basket of non-binary zucchinis.

Next week, I’ll be apologizing to a turnip for misgendering its greens.

Pray for me, dear reader.

Or don’t.

That might be offensive too.

But if I see that whiny little tomato ever again,

It better not be behind me.

Otherwise,

I’ll make it ketchup.

Author’s Note on Positionality and Produce:

I wish to acknowledge that this post was written on unceded kitchen tile. I recognize my privilege as a person who can distinguish between a stone fruit and a leafy green without a government mandate. My intent is not to marginalize the legume community, but to center the biological reality of the nightshade family. If you found the mention of “tahini baked brussel sprouts” triggering, please seek immediate assistance from your local artisanal sourdough baker.