I’m obsessed with the ridiculous.

I’m in love with the absurd.

Growing up, there was a joke shop at the mall. They had all sorts of great stuff that I loved as a fourteen year old boy. Fake poo. Xray specs. Fake dog turds. Fundies. Penis Pasta. I could stay there for HOURS playing with the fuzzy handcuffs. But I always avoided the back of the store. That’s where they kept the silicone products that vibrated. Batteries not included.

I have been in love with joke gifts my entire life.

With that in mind, I’ve created the world’s most expensive joke gift.

Think of it as the gift for the billionaire who has everything and that you find so damn hard to buy for.

Multiple jets?

They’ve got them.

Golf balls?

Got ‘em

All of the information of what pretty much everyone is doing all over the earth all of the time?

Got ‘em

The rights to produce films of your sci-fi heroes like Terry Prachett?

Got’em

Jeremy Clarkson’s soul?

Got’em.

Twitter?

Not quite yet, but working on it.

What to buy theses billionaires?

Though I love a good gag gift, these folks could buy, or likely own, the factories that make the fake vomit.

I love a good bit of fake vomit. I love how dismissive people can be about it - offended that someone would actually try to use something like that - or worse, would waste their time with something so trite.

But trite comedy, gag gifts? They are comedy just the same.

There is nothing that delights me more than comedy.

I see myself as primarily a clown.

And still I love all comedy. There are so many lineages and branches to connect with, draw from and love.

Jerry Seinfeld has been known and revered for his creation and delivery of thousands of jokes. With this, he has earned millions of dollars.

Though I make lots of jokes, I would like to be known and revered for one joke. This joke, is the million dollar joke - the joke that someone would actually pay me to certify them as the world’s biggest fool. I love this joke! It is my current mission to engage in the creation and sale of the million dollar joke. One joke. One million dollars.

Done.

I wish to combine my superpowers of incredible lazieness with even more incredible lazieness. I’m trying to sell one joke, not thousands, worked on in clubs, like Jerry and played with endlessly.

The world’s most expensive joke has ‘locked contetnt’ which is another really bad joke that will only be revealed when this puppy is purchased. Until then, it’s a mystery.

This joke echoes a bit more of one of my favourite comedy legends - Andy Kauffman. He was playing at a level with the media and the rest of the world that went beyond the possible. He made the unfunny funny. He played the villain. Wrestling women was a joke. Tony Clifton? A masterstroke.

There are times - like this current moment - when my typing is accompanied by a perceived laugh track in my own mind.

That’s right.

I spend most of my time amusing myself by making myself laugh. Much of my brain power is directed at thinking up really dumb shit that would cause cue card prompted spontaneous outbursts of mirth in my never seen, always heard studio audience.

The ultimate brilliance in the million dollar joke is in its utter stupidity.

Incredible contrast of extremity of price vs it’s relative utility and overall quality.

It’s a piece of shit.

It’s a shitty joke, executed poorly, on purpose, for a lot of money.

This joke, the world’s most expensive joke gift?

This joke is an attempt to create the most idiotic thing possible and sell it for an obscene amount of money to someone who can afford to indulge in such egotistic stupidity. Who’s the egotistic dumbass anyway? Well, me for creating the joke and whoever ends up purchasing it. It will be a marriage made in hell.

Any criticisms of this joke will only make it better, stronger, more powerful and ultimately funnier. Any attention paid to the million dollar joke is good attention.

This thing will sell

And with the cash, I’ll improve the foolsletter, it will become my full time gig. I’ll continue to laugh and make jokes merely for the joy of joking

My hope that this encourages you wonderful people with much better ideas than me to take risks, try things and put yourself out there. You might look stupid. But will you be stupid enough to either try to sell or worse yet, buy a million dollar joke?

You’re smarter than I am.

Write.

Create art.

Put it out there.

Do it frequently.

Right now, I’m dedicating myself to the sale of one terrible joke.

Perhaps it will improve with time.

Here’s my favorite part of the joke:

This is like the Nobel Prize, but in reverse, a kind of non bello prize.

With the Nobel Prize, you win roughly a million dollars.

To get this award, you’ll need to pay a million dollars.

Nobel Laurites are chosen by The Swedish Academy of Science,

The World’s Biggest Fool chooses themselves. They also happen to be foolish enough to buy the damn thing.

So. Separate yourself from the pack. Know where you need to grow and take a risk. Set the bar low. Allow yourself to accept your imperfections. Lean into the absurdity of your existence.

Make something wonderful.

Or at least make something less useless than the million dollar joke.