So for the life of me I do not get Bristol board projects. Why, given the technology we have do I have to go out at lunchtime to buy a piece of semi stiff thin cardboard so that one of my children can create something to please their middle manager… er… teacher.

In high school, one of the questions I heard asked the most when we were learning something new was “When else in the rest of my life will I ever be asked to do this?”

This is the key question for Bristol Board projects. I was shocked to discover that there are whole entire schools dedicated to the study and composition of bristol board projects. I have come up with a few good uses of highly skilled bristol board professionals.

Protest sign maker.

With cheap acrylic paints, a sharpie and a sad drawing of sad looking people created by a sad three year old who really did not want to go to this fucking protest. Not when there are swings to be swung on and jungle gyms to explore. Protest sign maker is an excellent career choice for a socially conscious bristol board professional.

Office get well card / so sorry you’re leaving maker

Every office needs a person who can make an oversized get well / so sorry you’re leaving card. Ideally, they have a bad pun with a solidly flaccid workplace in joke that completely misses the person being written about. Extra credit goes to those who can make something appropriate for someone returning from a mental health leave. One hundred times the points if it could be funny without offending someone.

Limo driver

If you pick people up at the airport for a living, this is a necessary skill.

Person who wants to get on television at a sporting event

I’ve recently come to discover that goals are pretty important. They can help give life shape and meaning. Should it be one of your big goals to end up on television, famous for the witty sign you made about your favourite player. AND you traveled a long way to the big city from your small town. And this is the just the coolest?

I commend you for living your dream. Skill reached. Achievement unlocked. Well done.

Please share with me some of your bristol board projects.

I’m grateful that my child had a bristol board project.

The first draft of this was improvised into a transcription service. I then took that text and riffed on it a bit more.

This is the post in current form.

One more transformation or so, then it might end up in a book some day…

Here’s the first draft: