Oh dear reader,
If people wanted to know exactly what NOT to do in any situation, I could write a book…
There are some things you just never ever do.
I put kicking puppies and mocking the Montreal Canadiens in that category.
Then there are things that are kinda not super cool to do - like eating fucking tofu.
Sure, when there is absolutely only two choices, tofu or death? Well, then - and only then would I ever consider desecrating the temple that is my body with such filth.
And if you eat tofu?
I’m sorry.
Not because I’m insulting something that you find delightful.
I’m sorry that you’re involved in such a terrible act of self abuse.
Please stop. Eat beef.
The cows will thank you.
Then?
There are things you shouldn’t do in certain places.
Take breaking up with a lover.
This should be done face to face.
This should not be done over a text message.
But most of all?
Well…
Remember last month how I thought I’d regale you with stories of public restrooms?
Well…
Let me warn you that today’s post dear reader is as absurd as it gets.
For one day whilst at work - again hiding happily, trollishly in the handicapped stall, I had a front row seat to some majestic radio.
In the stall next door, there sat a dude, a dude in a terrible position.
He seemed to be in distress - both emotional and gastro intestinal.
While his guts were having an unpleasant conversation with the porcelain, he was having an unpleasant conversation with his lady friend.
Yeah. Yeah. I know. Yeah. Yeah but - Ok. Ok. I get it. But why did this take so long? I don’t - Hold on.
Then?
An explosion in the crapper.
You still there? Ok. Ok. When can I get my stuff? When can I - hold on again. Yeah. Yeah. One moment.
Then?
Another mudslide from the brown eyed starfish.
I’m back. Sure. When can I go get my stuff? Ok. Yeah. I’ll be by - One moment…
This one had grunts and panting.
No. I’m fine. No I had pizza last night. You know how things go with me and dairy. Yeah. I really should take better care - one minute.
Dear reader, can you imagine this kind of conversation on a toilet?
I’ve gotta hand it to the guy though. These days the ‘lennials? They’d likely just send a text. This man? He was taking his licks sitting down. You might not stand for being dumped in this sort of way. If that’s the case? Take a seat.
An odd way to break up with someone?
Sure. Could you imagine if this were the reverse? If he were the one doing the dumping whilst taking a crap? It would be a double dump.
I can imagine the dialogue.
No baby, it’s just not - ugggghhhhh (splashing sounds) working out. No baby, I’m fine, It’s not poo, it’s me. I’m just not ready for a - one moment…
Ugggghhhh (more grunting and sounds of bombs whistling to the ground)
A good rule of thumb dear reader?
Neither dump someone nor be dumped whilst sitting in a public toilet.
It may be therapeutic to leave a load when you’re being let down gently.
And it may be cleansing to dump more than just last night’s burrito.
But public toilets?
Those are shared places.
And exposing the rest of us to your emotional discomfort in such an odd way?
Well…
That’s just shitty.