better late than never

ooh la la, diagnosed with ADHD at fifty

I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was young

I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was stronger - Ooh La La by Faces

Well fuck.

Fuck

Fuck

Fuck.

Sensitive to that word?

You might want to leave this one.

I've been saying that word a lot lately. It’s rolling off my tongue with a mix of relief, realization and resignation. It drips and drools with disgust, regret and a small degree of self loathing. Looking back at the signs hurts. Looking forward, I’m filled with ambition and a new found hope.

Something happened when I fell off that horse in December. My fall and the resulting injury became an excuse for me to vault away from my credential as a registered professional counselor and move on to ‘what’s next’? That leap was not thought out. Once again, here I was, blowing my life up in a new and creative way. The way things were going, I was likely headed to pulling wires as an apprentice electrician or lashing containers to a ship.

That fall was a leap of self sabotage - all too famil…