Before you fight
Perhaps one of the most surprising things I hear in my work with people comes up when they tell me about the disagreements and arguments they have. What’s surprising is neither the content nor context of the friction. I’m surprised by their surprise.
Actually, it’s not surprising at all. It’s foolish to be surprised that you get into fights and disagreements with people. It’s absurd to think that your partner will neither let you down nor disagree. Conflict is part of life. The story in my head is not the same as the story in your head. Nor should it be.
A remarkable fool knows that neither they, nor their spouse / partner / cooworker / boss are perfect. Conflict is inevitable. As such, remarkable fools plan for conflict.
A remarkable fool doesn’t plot out a strategy to annhiliate the other in order to dominate the conflict. Conflict drives people apart. Conflict creates a desire that sets a direction of action. Conflict regularly drives people apart. Remarkable fools make plans with people in their live about how to get back together after the conflict is done.
Remarkable fools know that conflict is inevitable. Remarkable fools plan how they’ll reconnect and make up when conflict drives them apart. Being together is a choice. We can support our decisions to be together by understanding what we want after a conflict and how we can align ourselves to share a desire with the people we’ve been in conflict with.
How do you make up with someone?
What things do you need to do, that are within your control that will allow you and all of your idiocy to return to the table to talk with the other dummies in you life?
How can you make a plan to make up before you have the fight that causes the break up of connection?
"Remarkable fools make plans with people in their live about how to get back together after the conflict is done."
Brilliant and yet obvious and hidden.
Many relationships have contracts.
Vendors and their customers use contracts.
Government and the citizens use laws which are legally binding social and financial contracts.
Professors and students share a course outline.
All of the above, if prepared well, declare what the relationship will look like, and how conflict will be managed and how the relationship will end.
Marriage is a contract. There is a law that outlines the rules of this contract: The Marriage Act. I am one of probably a handful of people who are not involved in the legal profession who have read the act. Why? Because although I took a vow, I know that is ceremonial. Almost 30 years ago, I entered into a contract and it is ill advised to enter a contract without reading it. I read it. Also related, one my personal laws is don't get into anything you have to pay to get out of. Sure, marriages end through death of a spouse and sometimes people walk away, but about half the time, you need to pay a lawyer and surrender stuff to someone else. Neither of those are attractive, so I did the reasonable thing, I was engaged for nine years. I figured we could practice this marriage thing and avoid the lawyer thing if we weren't successful. We were both members of a wedding that ended in divorce. Our engagement outlasted a marriage.
What we didn't do, what we had to slowly work out was to figure out how to discuss and resolve conflict. We didn't plan for it. We were in love. Are in love. Had moments during conflict, despite the love. I make contracts all the time, but we never made a contract between us, because the love was so big. All encompassing big. And yet fragile. The Greek and Jewish cultures both recognize at weddings that the love will be challenged by life. By working through conflict, the marriage will crack and be repaired by their love. The love will change over time by those cracks (and hopefully repairs). The love may break beyond repair or it can be rebuilt to be even more beautiful.
In your box of ideas, we should create a marriage conflict management workshop, The Remarkable Fool's Guide to Still Being in Love with Your Spouse in 50 Years. Planning for conflict, giving gratitude and support, and embracing changes in your spouse will be highlights.