a troll's response to a ringing phone
how to have more freedom and less guilt - daily!
Why does no one call anymore?
When the phone rings?
It’s not for me.
It’s never for me.
Well.
They usually want to speak with me.
But do I want to speak with them?
Good lord NO!
Do you have this experience?
Are you plagued by Rando Callmichigan making your pants buzz to tell you that you are eligible for a new credit card?
Or that you are eligible to donate to the CNIB?
Or that maybe you should get a new credit card IN ORDER to donate to the CNIB?
Maybe the blind telemarketers don’t call you.
Perhaps it’s a pollster molester - they are people who molest your time in order to collect your opinions.
YOU CAN HAVE PURPOSE! YOU CAN INFLUENCE THINGS WITH YOUR OPINION!
Motherfuckers, they’re all motherfuckers - each and every one.
Oh sure, that person on the other end of the line is a human.
But that’s EXACTLY how they get you - they play up the whole ‘common humanity thing’.
Telemarketers, pollsters and door to door fundraisers are playing on one common human characteristic: People don’t see themselves as a rude asshole and don’t like to be thought of as an asshole.
Some pride themselves on being able to politely turn them away.
It’s a process of resisting an entire boat load of sales tactics that prey on our politeness and desire to be seen as some sort of good person.
Newsflash bitches: There’s no such thing as a “Good Person”.
There are just fucking people. Sometimes we shine, others we’re shit.
And this?
This dear reader can turn on a motherfucking dime.
Status is won amongst friends and colleagues by being able to demonstrate how much of an agreeable / ‘good person’ we are.
It’s enough to make me want to kick a dog.
Or hit an old lady crossing the road using a walker with my truck.
Did I just say that?
I know what you’re thinking dear reader Oh dear what a terrible person.
Screw that. If I hit the old bones with the walker that’s fifty points.
And if the walker lands in the back of my truck?
In addition to being able to sell it, that’s worth another hundred bonus points.
No, dear reader, I don’t go maiming the elderly and kicking dogs - though there are some that I would love to punt as far as my boot could send them.
Though not a dog kicker, I’m not a good person. I’m a person and trying to be ‘good’ is a waste of time if you don’t have the ability to be a jackass.
Lately, when people call me, I fuck with them.
Today I used one of my defaults: I pretended that I have a very profound intellectual deficit and asked them questions in a very airy voice about their love of balloons.
Other times, I pretend to be an officer investigating fraud with the RCMP and attempt to find out the physical location of their office is. This is especially funny if I get a new Canadian and inform them they can be deported for lying to the police. It usually results in them hanging up very quickly.
Funny enough, I haven’t had any calls about the capital one credit card that I don’t have lately.
Maybe these motherfuckers are catching up.
Thought the phone is fun, I delight in being rude in person.
When door to door fundraisers or bible salesmen turn up and ask to speak with me I’m direct: I don’t know you. I don’t want to know you. I don’t want to talk with you. I don’t want to donate to any of your causes and I really just don’t care please leave.
Direct.
Simple.
Clean.
And?
I’m a giant asshole.
But?
When you’re happy to be an asshole and don’t set standards for yourself beyond that?
You can be a dick with impunity and enjoy more time doom scrolling on your phone.
