a trolls guide to surviving trolls

the surprisingly peaceful path of ignoring each other

How do you destroy a metastatic turnip, something greater than a vegetable that not only overtakes your garden but spreads unpalatable ideas all over the world?

Choke off its oxygen.

Isolate it from the trunip pile.

Basically, treat it like a troll.

I’ve been shit posting on hockey message boards for almost twenty five years right now.

There are fewer things more delightful than going to the fansite of another team and stirring shit up after the Montreal Canadiens win a hockey game.

I’ve shit talked my way around most North American Cities.

I’ve insulted their fans, their fanbases, their journalists and all of the nationalities of all of the players on any of these teams.

Why?

Because it’s fun!

It’s fucking fantastic to get a rise outta people.

Some of my favorite hockey players are trolls - Sean Avery is a trolling prick of such legendary status, they should create an award just for him.

Either him or the great Nova Scotian Brad Marchand - AKA The Licker.

There’s a certain thrilling power that comes from trolling.

People take notice!

People pay attention!

People get really bent outta shape when you say something about Patrice Bergeron, his mom and what she does to dead male bears.

It’s delightful to call Austin Matthews Pig Face Boy or to mock what Corey Perry’s knee did to the head of Johnathan Taravers (Note: it didn’t go well. Corey Perry knocked out Tavares and Montreal went on to eliminate the Laffs in a uge first round upset)

People get mad when you insult their heroes.

Why do you think that orange orangutan, that metastatic turnip in charge of ‘Merica is constantly spewing insults?

Did they have a positive message that spread and help the world heal from distress and torment?

NO! He’s a troll! The best troll, the master troll, perhaps the greatest troll since P.T. Barnum!

People get angrier still when you delight in their injuries.

But what people do not realize that if you just ignore a troll like me, we simply go away.

DON’T FEED THE TROLLS

We thrive on attention, positive or negative.

Everybody knows this.

But a funny thing happens.

Some folks need to put on a show and attempt to shame us without shame. They want to put us in our places. They take the bait and the game is afoot!

Riding back from lunch at the beach I encountered a couple of Jo-ho’s or Seventh Day types offering ‘free bible lessons’.

They were doing this in the middle of a multi use trail on a random Thursday afternoon.

I could have engaged.

But these fuckers?

They’re trolls too.

Morman missionaries?

Trolls.

You get the idea.

When Chomsky said that we need to allow all speech, that free speech is an absolute, I agree. If you push back against trolls or those who say things that you fervently disagree with, you’re just giving them more of one of the few limited things that exist in the world - your attention.

And while the pronouncements of trolls can be particularly grating, even offensive, even considered hateful by some, there's a pragmatic tolerance in simply letting them speak without engaging. Deny the attention, and the irritating weeds of online discourse are more likely to wither.

So, how to rid the world of a rotten turnip?

Don’t pay him any heed.

Go visit European leaders first.

Do not pay attention to his inflammatory antics.

Don’t feed the trolls.

And if you don’t, we’ll eventually just shut up.

But a truly inclusive world acknowledges us trolls, even if at a distance.

Sure, it may be over the hills and far away.

That’s where you want trolls to live.

Better there than amplified and well within earshot.

Stay foolish my friends.