a troll's guide to polyamory
on bald tires and juicy deliveries
People need hobbies.
People get bored easily.
Once upon a time when I worked as a troll in a basement couples would come to visit me.
No, they weren’t there to get luck by rubbing my magnificent eyebrows.
Nor were they there for help with their grocery budget.
They would come there pretending that they wanted to get along better.
HA!
They called the request couples counseling.
In reality?
When people go to couples counseling typically the first thing they do is try to be seen as sympathetic or the victim somehow.
From there?
They’d put me in the role of judge then try to argue their respective cases.
It was a lot of drama and noise but not a lot of love.
Deep down it seemed like they just wanted permission to be cruel to each other, break up then go have sex with strangers.
My absolute favorite however was when they would come to me with news that they wanted to explore polyamory or open relationships.
CHA-CHING!
That’s a great idea!
I would start gushing.
They’d tell me Love is abundant, not finite
But time and money are both. Poly people plunk down plenty of both time and money on therapy.
This is good for the therapy profession on the hole.
Some people they make quilts.
Others surf.
You know?
Hobbies.
I buy bikes and surfboards. My wife buys quilting supplies.
Neither of us has to worry about what would happen if some of our ‘hobby toys’ were delivered to a neighbours who inadvertently opened up one of our juicy deliveries.
Neither of us has to worry about things going ‘buzz’ in our carry on baggage.
And our hobby supplies?
I’m teaching my kids to surf.
Dear reader, my plea to poly people is thus: please explain to me exactly how you propose to pass on your passions to your children? I've been pondering this, and let's just say it led my mind down some… interesting paths.
In fact, I've concocted a series of jokes involving this as a dinner table discussion that could take place with three generations of family members all sitting around at Christmas dinner discussing dildo sizes and dating practices.
It went way too far so I’ll just leave that up to your dirty, filthy perverted imaginations.
You’re welcome.
But I digress…
The ‘let’s rub our genitals in all sorts of stinky places’ crowd they love drama.
We’re learning to be more open, more accepting, they’d protest.
Oh yeah, we’re learning to live without possessiveness and attachments.
Bull fucking shit.
You’re trying to have your cake and eat it too.
Or rather trying to have their ass and eat it too.
They may believe that their capacity for love doesn’t diminish with more people. That’s fine.
But if a set of tires has over a hundred thousand miles on them, they’re likely bald, worn out and useless.
I shudder to think of what the miles have done to their juicy bits.
Bunch of fucking buttmunchkins. Fucking oompa loompas of love they were.
So these days, when people ask me my opinion on polyamory my reply always follow the line of the psychology establishment:
GO FOR IT!
Have your relationships based on honesty, communication and consent.
And the lines, games of broken telephone and jealousy?
Let the therapist take care of those eh?
CHA-CHING!
There is no sunshine without shadows and if you’re the type who likes showing your shadowy bits in the sunshine, you may be choosing your relationship structures consciously.
In doing so the unconscious preverbal safety that comes from being close and comfortable with one person tends not to have time to flourish.
Poly people spend a lot of money on therapy and time being uncomfortable.
This does two things. It pays for my hobbies and ensures that there are fewer fucking weirdos when I’m out there doing it.
Now dear reader, if you’re finding this offensive, my apologies. I am truly sorry that you’re a pervert.
They say: Why limit love?
Why limit yeast infections, the clap or herpes? Hell drive fast without seatbelts on the autobahn if that’s what floats your boat. Just don’t tell me its healthy or normal.
The biggest justification that poly people have made in attempts to justify their little cult is the notion that monogamy places unrealistic expectations on one person with the idea that polyamory can distribute expectations more broadly.
This reveals the biggest truth about poly people.
Most of them have the charisma of a rat climbing out of a toilet.
Soppy and wet and smelling like they’ve really ventured though places that really are not suitable for people.
They have charm so fetid that the maggots are warning each other to stay away.
I mean seriously, is there anything more ugly than expecting sex or expecting love?
That’s not desirable, that’s desperate.
Expectations destroy the ever evolving nature of experience that can only come by paying attention.
Instead of placing expectations on person or many, how about you dumb narcissistic poly fucks understand that disappointment, denial and death are all part of human existence?
Naw… poly people are too busy wanking in front mirrors for that.
So to recap, if you like being uncomfortable, paying tonnes of money to therapists and having sex with strangers, try polyamory! You’re likely not worth committing to anyway.
Otherwise?
Stay with your partner.
Get a better hobby that won’t be quite so fucking strange if your kids figure out what you’re into.
Stay foolish you fiends.
